Seldom Seen Way











{June 12, 2017}   Integrity


{June 11, 2017}   Productive days…

Sometimes the “high” just comes one day and i attempt to get all of the things done, while i have the energy to do it.

This is Day 2.5 and i am feeling good about what i have been accomplishing. Do you notice it is always those “little” things that make you sit back and smile?

Last night we were at a small get together we set up because we are stuck here instead of going to the City. Work made sure of that for both us, Sir works today, and i am on call for the weekend. It was good to catch up with people we haven’t seen for a while and just have a night to relax and good conversation.

It was a bonus that we went somewhere that was stumbling distance from home. It was nice to walk to and from the place. It helped slow me down a touch.

Oh, i am excited – i have finally hung up Einstein. I thought to tell Sir because well it has been bugging me for a while.

The conversation went like this:

me: okay – I have been attempting to hang Einstein… I think I did it… I pray it doesn’t fall down LoL

Sir:  OK I had to read that twice….. I thought you were talking about the cat. jesus.

me: ummm Love… i am not that barbaric

By the way, just to make this clear – this is the Einstein i am referring to:

einstein.jpg

If you knew how much i loved Einstein, you would understand why this is a good thing 🙂

i wandered outside in the yard today, because it is absolutely beautiful out there. i had charged up the weed wacker the other day in prep for some “wacking of the weeds”. The stairs to the decks, and fence are free of tall grass blades, thistles (ow), and whatever else was popping out of the ground.

The desk i sit at is finally clear of the stacked books (both sides). They have been catalogued, sorted, and put away. There is a box of doubles, triples and “meh” i don’t need/want these started. There are still a couple or four boxes to get through yet. It does mean we require a bookcase or two to home them…however i don’t think that is all that bad.

The chaos that was the desk is now clear. This was one of those things that needed to be tackled sooner than later. It has lighten my brain more than anything else.

 

The Desk:

IMG_20170611_154418

 

This is just a small sampling of what i have been doing to occupy my brain to help it relax. Unfortunately, reading and even writing is hard to do right now, as my brain is going in full throttle at the moment. i have backspaced so many times… (click, click, click) it is giving me a headache attempting to write coherently. When i am like this i need to document something so I know when i am in the “zone”.

Well, i hear that the microwave of dinged! and the chicken breasts are likely thawed. i should go and figure out what supper will consist of.

Talk to you later!

 

dot.



{June 8, 2017}   Mornings.

6-8-2017 7-24-45 PM



When you read these two words together, it seems to be an oxymoron. TPE relationships have one person in control and another “blindly” follow – or so it seems. The last couple of weeks I have been posting several memes on Facebook (and here) that encompass a few of things I am going to talk about. It has been getting me thinking a lot and has come up in conversation with a few different people.

Isn’t a TPE relationship dependent on each other to make it work? When does it cross the line into codependency? Can codependency be healthy? What really is the difference between the two?

In both a codependent and a TPE relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive/obedient/submissive and can’t/won’t/accepts another to make decisions for themselves and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.

While you are in a TPE relationship, you would hope that you are growing as a person (first) and as a couple. That is the difference – codependency stops us from examining the best part of ourselves. It also hinders the potential for further growth in the relationship – and within our own growth as a person.

There are some things to do to stop the co-dependency. Remember YOU can still serve your Master, without losing yourself.

S-types tend to focus all their attentions on another and spend their lives thinking about others. When this happens you may not understand how to determine your own needs, wants, goals, and desires.  We need to learn and practise to perform self-care techniques in order to focus on our own well-being. These include reducing your stress, physical activity, getting enough sleep, and eating well.

I think every person needs to build healthy, flexible boundaries in all of our relationships. You learn this by lovingly detaching yourself – be your own person and learn to release your control of others needs and well-being.

I find the hardest thing to do is recognise your internal criticisms and personal need for perfection, by accepting yourself and any uncomfortable emotions. I say – own them – they are yours and deal with them. Even as s-type you can become assertive about your personal needs and values.

I find that many of the characteristics of both mimic each other … sometimes a little too closely. Interesting enough, I find that it can be from either side of the slash or together as a couple.

One thing I have noticed with many relationships is the Art of Enabling. This is a sign of an unhealthy codependence. Too many times, I have witnessed the use of enabling to help ease any type of relationship tension caused by one partner’s awkward and/or difficult habits.

Some examples include never letting them speak for themselves, bailing your partner out as to not having to deal with situations, repeatedly giving them another chance, ignoring the problem altogether, accepting their excuses, always being the one trying to fix the problem, or constantly coming to the rescue (or fondly called White Knighting)

What other things do you do that would make you think you are in a co-dependent relationship?

I hear too often (and I know I have used the phrase on an occasion or two) is the phrase “I can’t live without you” Another variation of it:  “I don’t know what I would do if you were not here”.

Romanticising M/s to this degree is not a healthy thing. I know, this is supposed to be romantic, but if you really look at it, it’s not. You sound more like an accessory which is different from the actual connection you should be having with your partner. It’s not sexy and it’s certainly not satisfying. I wish people would recognise their oneness and completeness so that you can truly enjoy the other person in your life rather than being half of a person who is incomplete without someone else.

Before we go too far down the rabbit-hole we should establish a couple of things. There are two types of people in a codependent relationship. You will need to determine which role (if not reversed in certain circumstances) your partner is in a codependent relationship.

The codependent individual is known as the ‘’caretaker’’, while the other individual in the relationship, is known as the ‘’taker’’. The takers typically have an unrestrained need for control of the attention, love, sexual relations, and approval they get and will give. This will often be shown through bouts of violence, blame, anger, irritation, criticism, neediness, righteousness, incessant talking, invasive touching, or emotional drama.

The taker can often express these behaviours outside of the codependent relationship. It can then affect their children, work relationships, and their relationships with friends.

There are several characteristics of being one with co-dependent behaviour.  I have noticed in past relationships I have had, and in relationships that are around me now the idea of co-dependency existing in a power exchange – on an entirely different level.

When looking at a TPE relationship, many of these characteristics/actions seem to occur over time without the participants even noticing. You get comfy in your roles, it seems to become the norm, and nothing is amiss…or so you think – yet the people around you see it very clearly.

One of the first things you will notice is that boundaries do not exist anymore. Boundaries divide up what are yours and somebody else’s – an imaginary line if you will. It isn’t referring to your body, money, and belongings, but to your feelings, thoughts and needs – your whole being. The person starts to have undefined or weak boundaries between themselves and others. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or go the other way and blame their own on someone else.

Now because of your issue with boundaries, you will notice that a consequence of poor ones is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words because there is no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and you don’t feel threatened by the differences.

The Master is NOT always right – OH! No! Please do not say that! It cannot be!  It is one thing to be -one- with the Master, it is another to still have a boundary and have a voice all on your own. I find that many follow like sheep (okay – sheep do not always go where you guide them – trust me…raised them at one point in my life – best analogy I can think of at the moment). If a Master cannot say they are wrong and/or apologize by owning something, you have bigger issues. It forms resentment and a breach of trust and respect.

Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They are afraid of being rejected or neglected, despite the fact that they can function on their own. Other ones need to always be in a relationship because they feel depressed or lonely when they are by themselves for too long. This characteristic makes it hard for them to end a relationship. This includes when the relationship is painful or abusive and then end up feeling trapped. Vicious cycle it becomes, and it seems we all know a couple or two that are experiencing this. I have personal experience with my ex-husband on this front.

One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they are in denial about it. They just don’t want to face their problem(s). Usually, they think the problem is someone else or with the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person. Some go from one relationship to another and never own up the fact that they are the ones with the problem.

A codependent also will deny their feelings and needs. Instead, they are focused on what others are feeling and don’t know what they are feeling.  The same thing goes for their needs. They focus on other people’s needs and not their own and might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. A Master should see and push a slave to own their feelings. It is beneficial for the slave to have activities/hobbies that do not involve Master – and vice versa.

Codependency does create stress and leads to many different painful emotions. The shame and low self-esteem will create anxiety and fear about:

-Being judged – Am I “slavey” enough?

-Being a failure – What if I can’t do what is asked of me?

-Making mistakes – “Oh no, I forgot to ask permission to eat.”

-Being alone/abandoned or even rejected “If I don’t do this, they will leave me”

-Being trapped “No one else will want me, I have nowhere to go”

 

These all, in turn, will lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair.

How do you know you are in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with your TPE Partner? These are some questions you could ask yourself.

Do you have a tendency to avoid conflict or uncomfortable emotions, or masking your emotions with passive-aggressive expressions of anger or humour?  Or does Master take it on for you instead? The codependent believes that help is needed and that the person in need cannot manage to make the right decisions or take the right actions to solve their own problems.

Do you take the responsibility for other people’s actions or overcompensate for your partner’s actions?

A codependent will expend enormous amounts of energy to take charge of another’s life-all under the guise of sincerely wanting to help. When the help or advice is ignored or rejected, does it feel like anger, abuse, and not being unappreciated?

Do you offer advice to others whether it is asked for or not? A codependent will jump at the opportunity to provide much-needed advice.

Codependents often do not understand boundaries. Once advice has been given, do they expect the advice to be followed?

Do you need others’ validation to feel good about yourself? Do you have an extreme preoccupation with the opinions of others or valuing their opinions over your own?

Do you have misconceptions that love means rescuing another person, which leads to constant thoughts of the other person’s needs instead of your own?

Do you go out of your way to please another, hoping to receive love, approval, or be accepted and liked? A codependent will feel victimised – if the approval is not given.

Do you give more than your share in the relationship? This is a tricky one, as a slave, you do a lot of things for the Master…the question is what are you getting back in return?

Do you have difficulty saying no or having guilt over being assertive?  There are ways to say you are not happy with something in a respectful manner. This goes both for your TPE relationship and other relationships you might have (i.e. family, friends).

Do you have difficulty communicating, identifying your own needs, or making decisions?

If these do not help you to identify based on these tendencies or behaviours, ask yourself questions that help reveal it.

Does/has the person you have a relationship with every hit or abused you in any way other than consensually and/or in a scene?  Abuse can be defined as emotional and mental besides physical.

Does the person use manipulation, shame, or guilt to control another’s behaviour? To get their way codependents will respond in a manner that will force compliance by others. These tactics may even be unconscious. And since everyone else’s behaviour is a reflection on the codependent, it is important that the codependent feel in control.

Do you get overwhelmed by how much you have to do, but never take the time to ask for help?

Do you go out of your way to avoid an argument?

Do you worry constantly about how others think about you? Do you think other people’s opinions are more important than yours?

Does the person you live with have a drinking or drug problem?

Do you find it hard to adjust to changes in any environment?

Do you get jealous or rejected when your partner spends times with friends/other people? This is one i know i have to fight with often – it is just a matter of owning the feeling and realizing that they need their space too.

Do you take everything personally or the person you are with does?  Because there are little to no boundaries in a codependent’s life, any remark, comment or action is a reflection back upon the codependent. This makes the need to feel in control at the forefront of a codependent’s Life.

Codependents develop techniques to lie to themselves about others’ behaviours, as they do not deal directly with their feelings. And because they feel responsible for others’ behaviours, they will justify and accuse others of their loved one’s poor behaviour. They sometimes even blame themselves for another’s poor behaviour, seeking to maintain control.

Codependent fears that if they are not successful at everything, or indeed expresses their feelings or needs, they will be rejected. In a codependent’s way of thinking, they will be unlovable. A codependent does not trust others easily or share openly because they will be exposed.

Do they act like a victim? Everything that happens either to the codependent or the loved one is a reflection on the codependent. Such people usually feel victimised and powerless and do not understand their role in creating their own reality.

This is just a few things to ponder when it comes to Codependency and how it can affect your relationship. Being in a total power exchange relationship can be difficult, however, if co-dependency is thrown in there too, it can make it unbearable.



{May 28, 2017}   Closure.

Sometimes it comes in the most unexpected ways. At least now, it will be easier.



{May 22, 2017}   Evil…

Ego… Pride… both are bitches to deal with – especially when a person doesn’t realize they have them.

 

 



{May 17, 2017}   Be Positive.

Be sure to soak up some positive or uplifting content throughout your day because constant negativity will drain you. With Love, Dr. K. L. Author of “Everyday Isn’t Perfect”: http://amzn.com/B01GNLNQ28.

via Just A Friendly Reminder — The Ninth Life



{May 4, 2017}   Topics.


{May 3, 2017}   Draft topics/titles:

Touch ago, i wrote that i have several drafts just waiting to be written – some of them have been sitting there for nearly a year. Some you can tell what they are obviously about, and there a few that the title is vague. All that really matters at this point is that i know what they concern. Many of them will not go beyond what you see now.

Fascinated by this and how it works: Herd mentality, or mob mentality, describes how people are influenced by their peers to adopt certain behaviours. A group of 3 or more persons, who act with a negative group conscience to show strength in numbers.

The secrets that are entrusted to you and not bring them up so as to not hurt people you know. What it does to you and hope that you can trust others with your information. I found this apparently is not the case.

People tend to forget what you have done for them when they were in distress – and how it may affect the person/people dealing with their issues with them.

People are not always what they seem. Don’t judge a book by its cover.

What is a Master (to me)?

Insecurity, Character and how they align.

Accepting an apology the first time and letting it go.

Oddball. I feel like the one that doesn’t belong.

Being appreciated.

Owning your shit, and not take on other’s shit as your own to not deal with yours.

Great Weekend Getaway

The Instant Gratification Age

Romance comes in different ways.

A secret love affair…

Still Buzzing.



{April 26, 2017}   Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys

Being the good Polish girl that i was brought up to be, this idiom rings true in my Life. Basically – If it’s not your monkey, and it’s not even from your circus, then it’s not your problem.

4-26-2017 6-16-41 PM

i won’t interfere or bother myself with trouble in a place i don’t belong to or have no authority — it’s someone else’s job to deal with this.

The problem i have is when another person assumes you took a side when you only acknowledged someone’s frustration concerning something. And we do this with all friends and acquaintances that we are connected with on some level.

The other problem i have is when said person decided to email in a hostile manner without giving much thought into how it would be received. There was no context to what or who it was pertaining to. It does not make it any better when they write using the fact Community Leaders need to be careful who they “support”.  Being somewhat threatening to where our “loyalties” seem to lie, in my opinion, is a very low place to go. This person did not have the right to do that and was very disrespectful. It would be like me going to her Sir and lecturing him on who he should or should not associate with.

The next reply after Sir wrote her was to apologize that the email might be taken hostile.  It then became an email under the guise of being helpful, however, at that point, the damage was already done.

i would think that being mindful of the written word especially in this circumstance would have been prudent. If i ever did that to anyone and Sir found out – my arse would be more than black and blue (and not in a fun way).

i am the one that had to deal with Sir after this interaction. It was not pretty at all. He kept thinking He did something wrong and went back to see if He wrote something that could be thought of taking a side. There was not. We as a couple, ensure that is the case especially when drama may pop up. We are just as confused as everyone else once it started to explode in front of us. All we had were questions and it definitely wasn’t the time to ask them.

Perception can be a bitch – I agree. In this case, the person was making an assumption on something without even asking where we might have stood on said topic. And sadly we had to guess what the person was referring to initially.

Apparently, it is fine that they are able to pick a side and declare it – yet it is not allowed to others even if you are a Leader in the community. Personally, i do not think they should have stepped in either. Let the people that are running the event, clean up their own shit. All this is doing is making the lines pretty clear where people stand.

As Sir has said before, we will be Switzerland. We do not know either parties side to the situation and likely never will.

We do not attend this event due to when it is scheduled – usually a work weekend for Sir.

It is unfortunate that this has become a Shit-Show for all of the Fetlife participants and for the Community at Large in the City to witness. We did not consent to this mess being splayed across our screens (actually “gagged” individuals on my feed because of this) and i do not think people should drag others into it – even if it is only an assumption.

This is also unfortunate to what is going and is happening to the BDSM/Kink community.

I do hope it improves or at least all Egos are put on the side for the sake of the community without splitting it even further than it is.



et cetera
The Leather Mermaid

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