Seldom Seen Way

{February 12, 2014}   A little peek into who I am…

A touch ago I posted the 5 W’s and How… and said I would elaborate on a few of the questions I think a person should ask oneself.

Here goes – who – one of the hardest for me to open up about.

My name is Dot (for this purpose)… I received this nick many moons ago… some have been known to call me Ms Dot.

When I started out on this Journey, I knew a couple of things about myself – I loved men and women – I am bi-sexual and have known this since I was 14/15 years of age. And that I LOVED how sex made me feel. Let me rephrase – I LOVED how kinky sex made me feel – Alive.

Presently my relationship only involves one Man, Syn – and we are monogamous. In saying that – my past was much different- I was very much Poly-Amorous / in open relationships.

I married at a young age – one could say it was a shot-gun wedding. I had my honeymoon just before I wrote my exams in Grade 12. My daughter was born on the Autumn equinox when I should have been going to University on a Music Scholarship to become a Music Teacher. All the years I put in to that moment was wasted – well in my Mother’s eyes anyway…and for my dad – he was disappointed.

We were both young and very immature – I grew up quickly somewhat – well how can you not when you have 3 children just before your 24th birthday. I was rarely happy. I suffer from depression – more so during those years. I am also OCD and Overfocused ADD. I pitied my Mother – my brother was ADHD and depression too. Dealing with us was difficult I am sure. While my brother has no issue with dealing with people and being the life of the party – I am quite the opposite – I don’t know how to deal with people’s emotions. I am very good at looking at things/people too logically and able to detach myself quickly.

When I was in an “up” mood (which could be for months at a time) – that is when I would do things without thinking – things that I now look back and can’t believe I have done. I was not a healthy individual – and I found sex a great outlet. I am glad I have always had a journal – many of the things that I have done – I don’t recall… until I read about it.

With that as a little background:

I was one of those people that could never find the right person. I was always searching for something that wasn’t there. I didn’t start off poly – it progressed to that. I am one of those that had infidelity issues, Obviously that didn’t go very well. I was young and foolish. All that my husband at the time (ex now) wanted was me to be true to myself. I will give him props for trying to allow me that and we incorporated swinging at one point and then open relationship for the rest of the time we were “together”.

During this interesting time in my Life, I discovered being a sub/slave was something that I wanted. He couldn’t/wouldn’t fit the mold and was not into any of that sort of thing. This is where the open part came about. He let me explore what I needed…he wasn’t always necessarily happy about it though. Many times he thought I was more destructive than not.

I rather not dwell on the destructive behaviours or people I encountered. It will probably take me a long time to even open up to Syn on those – but he knows some of my best and hopefully understands. I don’t forget it – I try to learn from it.

I have had a few Doms but only 2 that are worth mentioning. There was Scott – he was more of the Daddy type – which is likely what I felt I needed at the time. He spoiled me, which I never really had in the marriage I was in. He understood that I was still married – however that went down south after awhile – Men tend to get possessive – or at least that is what I have found. He made me feel like I was cherished and protected. He loved to spoil me – I will have to thank Him for my Love of shoes and dresses. He encouraged me to grow as a person but still enjoy life for little joys it has. It wasn’t a chore to go towards goals with Him. He helped me deal with my ADD/OCD – to accept them – and work with them not against them. I thank Him for this.

The other worth mentioning is Marcus. He was my Keeper, Teacher, and Mentor for a few years. He lived in Ontario, but travelled a lot. There was even a time when I was with Him for  periods of time. Please note I did have young children at the time and planning the away time was interesting. Thankfully the summers for the children were spent with relatives, at the family cabin in Ontario or the family Nanny.

This Man helped me know who I really was. He made me think and speak my thoughts. He helped me become more confident in myself and abilities. While with Him, I was part of a House, I strived and became a trainer and a mentor. I got to understand my dominant side when I would Switch. With Him, my pet tendencies were fostered… and I know I still revert back when I am with Syn. I rarely talk about Marcus, however when I do, it is always with Respect. Marcus knew I didn’t love Him like He did me. He continued to Train/Mentor me until I was ready to leave Him. I didn’t think it was fair to stay with Him if I couldn’t give all of me, and He understood this. I still keep in contact with Him – as He likes to ensure that I am being treated well.

There came a time I did not have a Dom in my Life, and I was lost. This is where more of the poly lifestyle came into play for me. It was like a huge playground.  I had a little bit of this and that. I had “puppies” that would follow me. Trust me that is a great ego booster.  My girlfriend at the time, and other friends pointed out the fact that I had enough puppies for a litter.

I got a job at an inbound call center. I started from the bottom and literally clawed my way to the Top. Becoming a Floor Supervisor I was in a position of “power” (see Switching comes in handy) and I was confident when I walked about that floor with those heels that made most women cringe to walk in longer than 30 minutes. I flaunted my legs (while in heels), long hair, and great breasts. I got what I wanted when I needed it.

I saw Syn, and  I wanted. There was something about Him that I couldn’t stop walking towards his area to just steal a look at him. I made sure that my work desk had him in sight (though it is hard when he didn’t always sit in the same spot)….thank goodness that I had to do Floor duty.  When I think back, I somehow knew at the time He was not in a good place and still had some growing up. He disappeared on me for awhile….I decided to play with the puppies I collected and was involved with a few guys and girls – and I swear that we were just swapping partners at one point.

I changed jobs and the patterns still continued – but with another set of people. It was like I was the one that needed to grow up however I didn’t have someone to point that out or guide me. It was something I missed and yearned.

A year into my new job – Syn “appeared” again. He had (and I know still does) to deal with some demons. I followed his Journal till He stopped writing… and then I saw that He wrote in His Journal out of the blue… He was going back to school…His writings were a little more mature.

I am not normally a forward person – I usually wait on the person to come to me. This time – I have no idea why – I had to ask him out for coffee. Even to this day – I cannot tell you what possessed me to. I just knew I had to.

We met a coffee place, and the couple of hours that we sat there and just talked, flew by too fast. I am glad that I actually listened to that little voice in my head and not shy away. Yes, I did have an anxiety attack prior to it but I made myself suck it up and go – I initiated it and had to go forward with it. I enjoyed it so much I had to do it again.

The second date was just as great. I couldn’t get enough of Him. The man was intelligent, funny and oh so fucking sexy – His eyes and mouth I couldn’t stop looking at. His eyes twinkle when He talks and his mouth has the most gorgeous full lips.

I never wanted to have anyone else than Syn from that point on. In the beginning, I had a couple of the puppies I still had, a touch upset with me. I didn’t give them what they wanted any more, I didn’t want to. It was like I wasn’t attracted to them any more, like a light switch turned off. I never was “in love” with people as I didn’t know what it really meant except the love I have for my own children.

It hit me hard – I LOVED this man, I didn’t need anyone else except Syn. This is rare for me… as I always needed to find more to satisfy me. I couldn’t get enough of the Man. I was becoming obsessed. I would make time for Him that normally I would not for other people. I would go out of my way to see Him, and talk to him.

I saw that little bit in Him that He didn’t…I wanted to let it grow and show Him what kind of Man He could be. I am blessed that He allowed me to do so. Our dynamic as He has been known to write is organic. It is so natural. The more time I spend with Him… and then have to be separated for even a little bit of time is like having half of me torn into two. It has been 5 years and the yearning to love and serve Syn keeps growing.

I am not lost any more. I have been found.


lucidsyn says:

My little fae, there is so much more to it, but in it’s simplest form I love you. Eternally. ❤

seldomseenway says:

Thank You for always being there and understanding me. ❤ I love You.

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