Seldom Seen Way

{March 25, 2014}   Fears and Anxiety.

Yesterday at the Forbidden Coffee (off week from Munches), I was asked if I was alright just randomly from one of the regulars. Of course, I said yes, I am good thanks… with that quizzical look of “oh my fucking god they know”.  

I couldn’t look to Syn – He just went outside to have a smoke. I was sitting there with no one that I could grab onto without them looking at me as if I was crazy. Normally this wouldn’t bother me when I know the group – it was a small one on Sundays (7 of us in total) except there was one difference this time – there was a newbie.

Here thinking I answered it – it would be done however the same person asked quietly – “do you have anxiety issues?” Ummm, Yes.  

Apparently the person had the same issues but they were on medications to help. They noticed the signs and wanted to ensure I would be okay. That was a very thoughtful and I can’t thank them enough to try to put me at ease and have me focus on them till Syn came back.

We all have fears of something… some of us have more fears than we can count fingers.  I know I have several however most people are unaware of them. I have several years of masking them or plain out hermit in my home.

I am known to have panic attacks which are not that frequent I notice the older I get. I will have the odd one peek out to remind me they are still around. I have had them while I was sleeping and those have scared me the most.

I have terrible sleeping problems. There are times I’d wake up wired in the middle of the night. I also can have trouble concentrating, even reading the newspaper or a novel.  

I have OCD (Obsessive-compulsive disorder). It provides a temporary relief from feeling anxious and I take no pleasure in the rituals.

To name a few of them (just a few or we could be here all day):

  •          5 is my number – adds up to, divide by etc.
  •          I can’t read a book/newspaper after someone else has. I have to at least leaf thru it. A real pain when you are a librarian by Trade.
  •          My shoes will ALWAYS face North when they are not on my feet.
  •          I tend to sleep with my body facing North.
  •          I set the alarm and check it 5 times before I can sleep
  •          I change my clothes at least 5 times before I go out
  •          All cupboards/drawers especially in the kitchen need to be closed
  •          My day planner at work needs to written in a certain manner and the first thing I do when I get there.
  •          Bedtime ritual includes a puzzle of some sort to calm the mind (Sudoku being the favourite)
  •          The bed is ALWAYS made before I go to sleep…I will fight the cats to be able to do it.


My other is a social phobia (as this is how this post started). I am also a huge introvert and the energies of people seriously tire the hell out of me.

In any social situation, I feel fear. I get anxious before I even leave the house, and it escalates as I get closer to a coffee, the mall, a party, or whatever it might be. I feel sick in my stomach-it almost like I had the flu. My heart pounds, I get sweaty, and I get this feeling of being removed from myself and from everybody else.

If it is somewhere W/we frequent I am not so bad however the first couple of times I am terrified.

I also tick which doesn’t help with this problem. I am very self-conscious of them. To describe what they are like – it is like a muscle spasm throughout my core and they are not quiet. I nearly make a sound 98% of the time. I am worried that one will happen when I am in a group setting. For the entire time I am trying to suppress the ticks – it doesn’t allow me to relax to enjoy the outing. If it is not a tick I am worried about it – it is the fidgeting that takes over either hands or legs.

I have learned to deal with this particular phobia head-on or at least have Syn close by. When He touches me, it calms me knowing He is close if I need Him. Many times you will also see me wear elastic on my wrist to flick. I am a hell of a lot better at dealing with this shit since I have been with Him. So at first meeting, I may be rather quiet. I am watching, learning about you. But once i get warmed up, I’m all about truly knowing you. Don’t worry; I can hold the conversation quite well. 😉

As for the fears in my Life – they are pretty standard; the fear of failing, of falling, and heights. You can also add water on my face (that I can pin down to nearly drowning in the River when I was a youngin’)

Some days I am amazed Syn stays with me with all the crap that goes on in my head. I am still sitting here reading all that I have and can’t believe He accepts me for who I am. He is always there for the Good, Bad, Ugly, and Indifferent.

I am really Thankful that this Man deals with all this with me and doesn’t complain.


Thank You for Loving me. I love the Way You Love me. 


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