Seldom Seen Way

{May 6, 2014}   If asked, would you do without question?

I believe that there is certainly a need for privacy in a relationship. I do not believe that there is any place for secrecy.

The reason this came about was from a question/statement that posted in a group I am in. It actually got me a touch riled up reading some of the answers.

Here is the post:

“I have a question to ask. Would you as a sub allow your Dom access to your fb account if he asked it of you…Me personally yes, if he wanted access I would give it to him without asking why. I have nothing to hide, but this me..not saying other’s do. But some might think it is crossing over the line giving up all control. Just was wondering what you thought.”

Some of the answers ranging from:

“If He had asked you bet I would have. I have nothing to hide and if a person does then you better be asking some questions about their loyalty.”

“Yep i would let Him have access I’ve nothing to hide either”

“I think that is just part of it. I think if you refuse there would be a trust issue.”

“No questions asked”

“Yes right I having nothing to hide”

“He has full access to my account. I have nothing to hide.”

“Right away”

 He has full access to my FB account, email and cell phone.

“He always has access “


As you can tell – the majority said – Yes – they would.

The ones that bother me the most though are subs that state things like:

“I want him to know all of me is his.”

“I’ve offered mine to him as a show of faith.”

“I would hand over access to all my accounts”

“If I had a Dom, I think I would want his approval, no secrets.”

“My Sir can have access to anything he wants – my facebook, my fetlife, my cellphone. I am His and nothing is ever hidden”


I really had to sit back and think about this. I started on a tirade initially but thought… why? A person is entitled to all the privacy (you) want. No one is forced to stay with someone who violates their boundaries. Some people are completely candid about their lives and share debit card PIN#s, Email passwords, Facebook and other log on passwords with their significant others. Other folks would rather hold onto their privacy and share only those things they choose to share. There is no “right” or “wrong”, only agree or disagree. Ultimately you are better off being with someone that feels the same way about it as you do!

Anyone who approaches life with a “I have nothing to hide” or “My life is an open book!” philosophy will always be suspicious of those who recoil at the idea of sharing everything.

It can start as innocently as FB access, email, and texts. You are opening up an area where you are starting to lose your personal space and security UNLESS of course your partner is willing to share ALL of their passwords, cellphone texts and calls with you.

Even the most trusting person in the world would raise an eyebrow if their mate whispered during phone calls or took calls in another room, changed screens on their PC whenever you walked towards them or suddenly displayed erratic behavior. It takes courage to fall in love. Trust like Respect is something to be earned over time. In order to be trusted one must demonstrate honesty and integrity.

Some people feel like they need to know everything about every element of their partner’s life. They want to know what their partner is doing, who they are with, and so forth. 

This is Syn’s viewpoint:

“From a Dom’s point of view – why would I EVER need those passwords? I trust my little fae Implicitly and as we share a fair portion of mutual Friends already, the only reason(s) I can think of would be if the Sub in question can’t protect herself or say No to anyone, or as was said, stated in a contract…. now if it’s a fluid long standing thing like – I log in to do her FB games etc, than sure…..but out of the blue for no reason? That tells me the Dom in question doesn’t trust you, and perhaps you need to figure out why. Dot and I Share amusing FL messages and FB ones too from page/group Creepers, but I don’t have any of her log in codes or unlock codes…. it’s a severe breach of privacy if not otherwise stated in a hard/soft limit discussion/contract. If you have nothing to hide and would blindly give them access to these things without question, would you do the same with you bank accounts/investments/pin numbers? I know I wouldn’t even fathom asking my little fae for any of it.

I think you should always aim to keep a sense of self in your relationship. We all go through private struggles – to do so is to live a human life. We get into relationships so that we can share our struggles and our joys with our partners. Privacy is necessary to overcome some problems on our own, but they become destructive when they become secrets.

Then there is secrecy.

The key is to know the difference, and to be brave enough not to let the one slide into the other.

All secrets are eventually revealed, this is a fact. People try to cover up things with lies, or withhold those important details, may destroy the relationship. I find it is always better to swallow my pride, admit the truth and deal with it. Secrecy has no place in intimacy.

Are there good secrets? I think so. His potbelly turns you off? Accept it gracefully. (BTW not the case for me – just trying to make a point here) You have feelings for some other, real, person? You just need to be more attentive to your partner (unless the behavior is repetitive, because that’s a character flaw of your own and needs to be dealt with).

Here is an interesting example for some mental grinding: it’s privacy when an ex sends you an email, it’s secrecy when you reply to it.


I always go back to – what is wrong with just communicating with your partner?? A simple so and so emailed me and this was the conversation, or Joe Blow called. Talking with your partner instead of relying on them to HAVE to read it via email/text is a hell of a lot more productive and safer.  

If your partner doesn’t trust you enough to have personal time while you are on FB – then there really is not much of a relationship in my opinion.

As someone stated as a response that I very much agree with and will end this with is:  Everyone is entitled to privacy regardless of relationship or dynamic.


I loved this post, it made me think. I agree, why not just communicate? If there’s nothing to hide and the relationship is a trusting one, there’s no reason to worry. That being said, M had access to my accounts. He enjoys reading and doesn’t have accounts of his own. I don’t have anything to hide and we are very open and honest, so I’m not bothered at all.

I appreciate your posts, very much. You generously share, make me think, and even inspire dialogue between M and I. For those reasons, I’m nominating you for a Liebster Award.

Thank You,
The Aging Sub

*click on my name for a link to the award and directions

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