Seldom Seen Way

{July 31, 2014}   Reflections and Perceptions

Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment. – Lao Tzu

How does the way I behave and look reflect or be perceived to people we surround ourselves with? Do these affect the way people think about Syn when my behaviour is a touch more colourful than usual?

Lately I have been thinking about these particular words in the D/s sense. I have discussed judgement in a past post… and as much as people say they do not JUDGE, they do even if it is just in their heads.

I know I judge other people, and fully admit it. I judge the way a person drives, their clothes (especially shoes), what they eat, and how they behave. I also expect that people do the same when they look at me or Syn for that matter. It is human nature to do it.

That is why I keep it in my mind … as I know it happens daily.

We do this at home with the family, in the workplace, out in public while you are shopping, at the coffee shop with friends and at Lifestyle events (ex. Munches, workshops, etc.)

When we judge people we don’t receive all the information. All we have is what we see or hear – basically the behaviour of the other person. We base our conclusions on limited information. Then we filter that information through our own perceptual limitations, our biases, our past experiences, our blind spots, hell even our own agendas.

Our perceptions are mirrors into ourselves. From the way we perceive others to the way we perceive the world, the facets we choose to focus and act upon are mirrors into our own beliefs, attitudes and behaviours.

Keep this all in the back of your mind now while I answer the questions at the beginning of the post.

I know I personally perceive them in a different light if it happens to another. Consequently – I always equate that behaviour to their Partner also. How could they “allow” them to act like this? Where are either of their manners? I will even admit that I have even stated “Why would you dress sloppily to events?” I wouldn’t even let my own children out of the house looking like that.

I believe that a sub is an extension of the Dom…I think each Partner is a reflection of each other and in any type of relationship (M/s, D/s, vanilla even) you are in.

I think this is best summed up in the way we present ourselves be it manners, protocols we use, proper etiquette, the way we look when we go out in public, with our Partner, or even at home by ourselves.

Syn has done a post on Manners and Protocols… I have not. It is one of those posts that I have been putting off. It is not that I am against it – I just think it encompasses a lot more into Reflection and Perception of a D/s relationship. It is something I am quite passionate about and putting them down in words, takes time and care.

Let us define some words:

Manners: a person’s outward bearing or way of behaving toward others.

Manners are pretty basic – and for the most part common sense which you should have been taught as you grew up. Some simple examples are Please and Thank you, Hello when you greet someone, Good bye when you are parting ways, chewing food with your mouth closed, introducing a new person to a group so as not to alienate the others …you get my drift.

Protocols: A system of rules and acceptable behavior used at official ceremonies and occasion; the collection of set forms of etiquette to be observed

Etiquette: conventional requirements as to social behaviour.

I tend to lump protocols and etiquette together. They are just like manners however more Formal.

So you are wondering why I am breaking these all down. It is because of Reflection and Perception. Your reflection is the first representation and a person’s perception of you….which in turn reflects on to YOUR partner. This encompasses your behaviour and expectations.

Reflection: an image; representation; counterpart.


This is a quote I use to get my point across and a firm believer as such:

“It’s the submissives that show to others what type of Dom owns them.” – – Anonymous

Both Dominants and submissives alike enjoy praise, and Dominants especially take pride in the admiration of their peers. A well-behaved submissive is right on the top of the list. They are a prized possession.


Defiance isn’t a desirable trait in submissives – again that is my opinion. This includes Being/calling yourself a Brat.

The reason why I consider brats a bad thing is that a submissives’ behaviour directly reflects on their Dominant or Top.

To each their own, however this is why I am NOT a bratty sub. Playful defiance in favour of a little attention, what’s the harm in that…right? Don’t get me wrong – there is a time and place for everything however you need to know when you have crossed that line. That behaviour can get quite annoying after a while (vanilla or kinky). It reminds me too much of a child that should have gotten their mouths washed out with dish soap. I don’t have time to be a brat of that calibre and I would never want to have a Dominant that is into that.

Just to clarify here for some of you – We are not talking “play” where someone is being a touch bratty such as rolling your eyes at something said or done… get called out on it… perhaps a bit of smirking.. and the Dominant acting all indignant….and you both know you are not serious.

We also are not talking about pushing hard limits, we are not talking about extenuating circumstances, we are talking about a submissive who genuinely says “No, I don’t feel like doing that, so I won’t” and then turns around to what they were just doing.

It is the vanilla equivalent of you saying ‘Fuck off!’. It will be taken as hurtful, and disrespectful and no Dominant should have to deal with it.

I’m all for jovial and sometimes even juvenile behaviour (seriously – I am a huge kid at heart), but if I am being defiant to Syn just for the sake of getting play, there are other issues at hand, and we both have zero patience for it.

The one thing I must stress is that there is a difference between bratty behaviours versus an individual who identifies as a brat and wears that label proudly. One who identifies as a brat is going to be unlikely to want to change, unless that change is desired by both of you. A bratty submissive and a serious Dominant do not mix.

When you are going out for the day, take your time to make yourself presentable. Shower, brush your hair, clean clothes, and clothes that fit you properly. You never know who you might see out in the world (vanilla or kinky). This is one of those things I take seriously. I HATE (I dislike the word however will use it in this case – because that is how fanatical I am about the subject) people who wear pyjama pants out of their house to do their errands, go for coffee, school, and a dinner. To me it screams fucking laziness. Nothing more, nothing less.

I do not want to be perceived as lazy and sloppy nor do I want people to think that way about Syn. It does not matter if you are just taking a quick trip to the store, I still do not understand why people think it is OK to wear the same thing the slept in to go places. Not only is it less than tasteful to do this, but it also sends a message to people. I am all for those who say they don’t care what people think, but in reality the people we see during the day are sometimes people we need to impress. I was also taught to make yourself look nice before going in public. I guess it just seems so apathetic and makes me think people didn’t even take the time to wipe out their eye boogies or put on deodorant… just plain dirty…( and not in a good way)

Think before you speak or write. My parents have taught me to NOT internalize. So you can imagine I am all for speaking the mind. It is quite encouraged by my Master… however you still need to take in account your audience and how it might reflect back to yourself AND your Partner. There are many things I would love to say to people, except I know it would be in bad form and I have learned to bite my tongue, my lip, His shoulder (you get the idea).

This includes the way you speak/write. I can have very colourful language, very blunt, sarcastic, and clipped in speech. However, I am quite clear in what I wish to state in a logical, well thought out, and factual way to get my point across… all in trying not to offend the intended party. I want to take in their feelings, the situation, use manners, and possibly some protocol (depending on the situation).

I found this phrase in my travels a few times and I think it holds a lot of merit: If you’re a collared sub your collar carries the honour of your Master/Mistress. Your attitude can make it as light as a feather or as heavy as a mountain.

These are some thoughts to ponder:

Your behaviour/expectations as a submissive should reflect Openness, Honesty, Respect, and be Polite at all times as your actions will reflect upon your Partner.

Always be respectful and considerate towards everybody, especially your Partner. Your behaviour reflects directly upon your Him (or Her).

Don’t shut down your brain. It comes in handy when you are serving. A good Partner will cherish and encourage your intelligence as will other people you surround yourself with.

Pursuing the path of submission is a journey of self-discovery. You will learn a lot about yourself. Embrace every day of this learning and understanding. Some things will be easy, some things will be hard. And in this sense, Make Them proud of everything you do.

This is my Expectation of Myself:

Everyday MY behaviour and words are a reflection on my Master, Syn, and i am always conscious of that fact.


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