Seldom Seen Way

{April 28, 2016}   It is hard sometimes…

It is hard some days to keep things in your head…because you will always see it in my eyes, on my face, in my silence.

It has been hard to not shed a tear over silly things – trying to hide them from view – knowing they are sliding slowly down your face.

The last month has been hard on me – i have no idea why – just that i know it has. Usually i can make it go away – that gloom – or at least dampen it enough to get through the day/hours/minutes.

Sir knows, He asked, i told Him i was blah – not sure why – i am blah. There are a pile of things that are in my head yet many i don’t wish to post here because i don’t want the “oh just another pity post”. He knows a few of them – and reassures me i am beautiful and He loves me. It is not that i do not know these things already – it is that i can’t believe them of myself. It is getting harder each day to think that i am all these things and more (as per Sir).

The plan wasn’t to post here…as i sat in bed for the last couple of nights, more quiet than usual and silent tears trying to fall down my cheeks – i was thinking of starting a written diary again. However i changed my mind, it is just a way for me to “hide” or put off what i need to do. This is more accountable to myself and to Sir.

The light hugs and touching of bodies is what i needed last night, and i was grateful when i received them. Also understanding that Sir has His own issues He is going through, makes me not want to burden Him with mine.

There are many things i want and need – yet time is not always on our side it seems. He is getting tired from staying up with me, and i am tired from getting up with Him in the morning…even though He tries to let me sleep.

Sometimes i don’t think i am enough for Him – or more like we don’t have the time together to be what He wants me to be for Him.

This is what goes on in my head: At times i feel inadequate – which in turn makes the brain go in overdrive – you know all the insecurities some people get – too fat, too ugly, and too old because i am too fat and too ugly….not as limber as i was say 7, 10, 15 years ago and it goes on and on and on.

Yeah – i know – stupid brain – don’t think like that – none of that is true except maybe the limber part.

This is what i have been fighting in my head – and Sir sticks around – as He says “you are stuck with Me now”… and honestly i am more than alright with that – i would be lost without Him by my side.

The words just needed to come out of the brain to the screen so that i can move forward with my day – hell – i even had a bit of a cry while typing this – because i couldn’t believe that i was thinking all that – and what it does to me.

If anything – i am exhausted from day to day Life, as is Sir. And everyday i wish i could make it better for Him…maybe if i didn’t worry about silly things like this – it would help Him out… just maybe.

Anyway, i should get myself ready for my day – all i got done was the bed made, and the dishes in the dishwasher started. Thankfully supper is leftovers today.

Laters A/all.



Xtac says:

Being cathartic… its good.

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