Seldom Seen Way











{June 7, 2016}   So here i sit…

Back at work after a nice week off. It was nice to get a couple of things done around home. It feels different today being back into the office – as if it is going in slow motion around me, yet my brain in going a mile a minute.

This past week was Pride Week in the City. We went to a social event last weekend…with some quiet time with our Family this past Saturday. The Sunday being the time we marched in the Pride Parade with Sir L and e – along with their girlfriend and her Fiancée. This gave us time also to march with our Kitten. It was awesome to do this with them all. It made me proud to call them all Family and Friends.

The time on both weekends has brought out more questions and observations about myself, and the people that we surround ourselves with. It was a great retrospective holiday.

And in saying all that – To be honest, i have been putting off this particular writing for quite awhile now. The idea of reflecting upon yourself – or knowing that something needed to be changed/thought out is always hard.

Sir has noticed for the last couple of months me staring at my computer screen deep in wherever my head decides to go- “you are still figuring out how you want to change it, don’t you?” is said more often than not as of late. With me responding “yes Sir – just not sure how or what” almost nearly every time and switching the screen to something else to avoid having to think about or do something about it.

Now you are likely wondering what the hell is she trying to figure out… well it isn’t a matter of figuring something out….it is a matter as to IF i should change it, if i do change it – what will it be and how will i feel about doing that.

Let me say this – Labels…i have a love/hate relationship with them. They can be a great starting/conversationalist point… and/or they can become very claustrophobic after awhile.

To describe me with one word is really impossible – i am a little bit of everything… a Jane of all labels – so just picking just one… well that isn’t being true to myself. It has been bothering me and sadly it really shouldn’t have. i am who i am. i remember going through this whole process not long ago when i switched my label to slave.

It pained me as i wrestled with what was in my head and i also felt the need to justify any changes i made. i am not sure why – it is just FL. Interestingly enough, i know this is not the way i would normally think. Not even sure where the doubt and having to explain myself to strangers came from. It isn’t like i had to do it before… unless it was more for an educated conversation. The thing is – i never thought to put it on my profile on FL because of all of the above – it was the thought that i don’t need to let EVERYONE know… and just be me…i think it was my way of balking at labelling myself in that way.

Sir knows, Sir L and e know. Fuck – anyone that is in our circle knows. Hell – i don’t even know why i am writing it out even here. Perhaps it is just to get it the fuck out of my head…yeah i will go with that. Maybe i just need to justify it to myself.

In the last few months, i have been thinking of it all wrong me thinks. During the Saturday and having the rest of the Family sitting with us discussing/catching up – a good point was brought forward to me. The question asked was “Am i not proud of my History?”

That is a really great question. Yes, yes i am. i have done a lot in my Life, with not many regrets (there is always a couple that will linger years past), and i am happy with how i live my Life.

Respect, Honour, Loyalty, and Honesty – these  i hold dear to how i live my Life. Practicing what you believe without worrying about what others think…i preach that…yet i really wasn’t following it when it came to certain things. Or i did – in my own twisted way.

And with that, i will move forward in my thinking. i can still be me – just that i will be different in my approach of how i answer to a Label.

This post has only became a catalyst for another…which will come in time.

Leather is who i am – slave is what i do.

.

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