Seldom Seen Way











{August 14, 2016}   Coping. Reality. Reflection.

When you are supposed to be the Primary…Yet… always feel like you are the third. i could not think of what it was until i took that step back and saw everything happening as a third party.

i never thought i would be just an afterthought. It doesn’t help when you are told they are ready to sleep – then stop talking to you entirely – however they are still conversing with the other Partner. i can understand the phone call – the rest of the evening though – where i am left out…that becomes a norm. They get to talk to your primary more than you do.

At times i think i should be used to being off on the side – my parents do it, acquaintances (as i do not have many friends) my boss and work mates do, my brother does and my ex-hubby, and at times even my children – they know i am there if they need something – because i rarely say no.

So i sit here and think what i am useful for – giving advice to help better a person, emotional detachment seems to be easy when i am involved.

Giving and waiting to receive….what i am to receive i still do not know.

Usually i end up being the middle man…this time i am not – i am not sure how to grasp this idea – except in a manner that will not be so pleasant.

How can there be trust – When Instead You get a Lot of Pretty Words without any Action or Follow Through…sporadic at best. How can i emotional bond with a person when you are treated as the person that is on the side.

This is a pet peeve – There seems to be only bravery when there is liquid courage involved…i think this is one of those things that bother me the most. Because of my past – i will not argue nor really did converse when it is involved – especially one-sided – too many memories that didn’t end up well – usually for me. Your mind isn’t clear and is riddled with the crap that i really will not deal with – and that is usually most if not all your insecurities.

So Where do i go and pull myself up from when things go South…well we all have history of some kind – some more hidden than others. There are things that i do not need to share with others and if i do share it – you have to be a very special person. Trust does not come easily where that is concerned.

Growing up very quickly, being married before i graduated and having three children before i was 24 – made me have to think really hard about what i wanted to do with my Life. My mother always said you lay in the bed you make – and i sure made up a doosie.

Being sexually active at a young age and knowing that i was different than most children when it came to who i loved – made me an “odd” one for my parents. Don’t get me wrong – my parents are very accepting. Hell – they had a lot to accept when it came to me. Remember – i also had quirks too. They dealt with it all as best they could with what they understood at that time – the 70’s and 80’s were interesting years.

Now add the fact i got married and with children – i really do pity my ex-husband who had to deal with my mental illness and all that came with it – however i do also thank him to push me to get the help that i needed.

On a side note – some of my issues i deal with now sprung up or were brought out more by him. i tend not to talk about my issues with even friends, what i deal with daily or what even Sir has to deal with – we do not even mention it by name. If something does come up – we just mention some of the symptoms i deal with individually.

The work i had to do to get to where i am today though – was extensive. This has been going on since before my teen age years – and likely even before that.  And finding a person that is strong enough to deal with their own shit – let alone another person’s shit is really hard to do.  i am glad that i have – however finding two people like that seems to be a struggle. Also this is likely the first time i have or will publicly discuss my Mental Well-Being.

i tend to sit on things to ponder them – hoping they will get better – maybe i am not seeing it with an open mind, or maybe the hormones are raging and i need to step back a touch – because those are mature things to do as you evaluate the situation first. Then talk it out with someone you trust – get another perspective – cause you never know – you could be just not seeing clearly or you are part of the problem – and if you see something that is in fact true with what you are feeling – once you are not seeing Red and can clearly articulate – take it up with them. Seeing Red still happens quite a bit – i have just learned to deal with it in a more controlled manner.

i used to be NOT like that – impulsive is an understatement. Ask my ex about me throwing an office chair, apparently i have attempted to throw a few things – rarely do i remember though. i want to hit things – hard. i want to scream and have slammed my hand down with such force – it broke a table. i remember doing it at work a couple of times – and thankfully no one was in the room to witness it. Sir has seen the outbursts and i am amazed how cool He sits back and waits for an opening before interjecting some wise words…let me know all is good, relax/calm me down. i am easily frustrated and a very angry person in general.

Sir is sweet in how He deals with my “quirks” as He calls them. When i first started dating Him, He would notice how i would set up my shoes just outside His door. As to not make me so self-conscious, He started doing the same thing with His – otherwise i would straighten them out before i would even come into the house. It would bother me for hours and distract me from what was going on in front of me if they were not in place.

He also has noticed that the longer that we are together – how much i do not go anywhere without Him. i will wait/starve until i know He is available to be with me. People have gotten upset that this happens. Funny story – A friend of ours had the nerve to state that i was a big girl and would be alright by myself- at a wedding social that i knew NO ONE – to go help another friend do something for his Wife.  This “friend” has a partner that does not work because of their supposed “social anxiety” – perhaps being more understanding would have not made me more anxious of the situation. Please note – Sir did go with the Friends to do this – but not before He assured i was good with Him leaving and going to be alright – He found me a place to sit and something to distract till He would be back. The first thing He did when He got back into the room was beeline for me.

 

In my younger years (something that Sir didn’t have to deal extensively with) – i dealt with a few addictions – shopping, drinking, and especially sex. In my marriage, i could afford many things. My husband owned his own business and money was plenty. During my highs – i would buy shoes, dresses, clothes in general and the oddest thing magazines. And these things were not just for me – i also was buying for three children. And during my lows, i would use shopping to try to get that high again – instead it would make it worse.

Now add the drinking, along with a hubby that drank – you can imagine the brawls that happened. We did not drink “at home” – there were no bottles of wine, hard liquor in the cabinet – just the odd beer in the fridge. Our kids never saw us drinking – though they did see the effects the next day – some not very pretty. Weekend warriors – Every weekend. Because of this – i refuse to discuss/argue with anyone that has been drinking. Besides me seeing Red most of the time, and a husband that had anger problems – there are many things that i just leave out when i go to this subject…more times than not – i have no recollection of it – except when it initially started and the aftermath that i needed to tend to.  i found it was easier to black out these portions of my Life. To this day – i still keep it that way.

Ah – the addiction of sex – people don’t think this is a real problem. It can be – especially when you add in impulsiveness, anger, anxiety, and extremely low self-confidence. A person can make some very bad choices in this department – unsafe sex – not cool. i tend not to delve into this too much with anyone – let alone with myself these days. i just say i have done many things in my Life – some i enjoyed and some i have regretted. There are still things that Sir does not know and likely won’t because i want it to stay where it is – in the farthest corner of my mind. He is told what is needed to get through the play we do. If something comes up that is a NO GO – we discuss it – and explain the best i can do with it – and if i wish to push it. He knows when and how far He can go…sometimes getting creative of getting me past it – case in point – getting a woman to slap me in the fact – HARD – several times…and making sure my head was in a certain headspace to accept it. If Sir had done it – He would have found Himself dealing with Red – as in Black-out Red.

There is so much to write on just sex alone… and then the choices i made with sex along with alcohol were even more plentiful. Too many to actually list here… it doesn’t help that i am a huge hedonist – i have a hard time knowing when to stop.

To be honest, i have no idea why i went this route on this post – just some things that needed to be put out on the table. A person doesn’t need to be showing how fucked up they are – to be fucked up – Most people think i have my Shit together – and i do for the most part – though i have my moments that are not out for the world to see.

Being with me is not an easy task, i admit to this. What i find i need is a person who is taking charge of their Life, Independent, Strong personalities, Intelligent and Mature. This is what i need to be Happy with another Soul.

*** i will likely end up adding or deleting parts of this in the next week or so. i have too many things that i do not or even know i should mention.

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