Seldom Seen Way

{October 14, 2016}   Low.

i am wishing this wasn’t starting now, that it would go away for a while. Let me enjoy the month.

The start of a low has been happening for about a week, maybe two. One of the first hints is my forearm, it is starting to look like a war zone. i just want to scratch it off already. And the sleepless nights are starting to catch up with me.It seems 6am comes easily before i realize i need to sleep – even though my body is tired. i won’t even start to write what goes on in my head when this happens. Hell, it depresses me.

With the lack of sleep, comes other issues. The brain doesn’t want to remember Fuck All right now. People rattle off things and i can’t keep up. The simple Math game i play at the grocery store is not fun anymore – just a necessity to ensure i stay within budget.

i have been getting more clumsy too, not able to do a simple task at times. i am hitting the corners of things, or missing the fact a door is open.  The tics have decided this is a great time to pop up too…which doesn’t help with the anxiety. It is one of those things that i take a huge effort to avoid in public or at least dampen them.

The headaches are starting again, making it more difficult to even concentrate on work. Then it feels i have to make more effort to do my job which is detail oriented as it is. It becomes very exhausting.

i want to eat ALL the things OR not eat at all. When i do start, i wish the hell i didn’t. i can’t find a happy place with it. i have to eat to survive, so you get to a point of forcing it in. You force it in and instantly regret it.

Sometimes i feel suffocated, and then other days i feel so alone.

Sir has noticed, He always ask if there is anything He can do. i always say no, just be here. i just hope that i am there for Him enough.

Normally i wouldn’t be this detailed on what happens however i need to accept that this is me sometimes. Accepting me is likely the hardest thing i have to do in Life.

i am writing this to get it out there, to recognize what it is doing to me, to help me analyze it, knowing it won’t last – and at least realize i need to change things to make it better.


Xtac says:

When my slave is having a really bad time, I make her do some tantra meditation with me.. Done correctly, it can really help.

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