Seldom Seen Way

{November 1, 2016}   Dear Sir,

You remember when we first met, coffee date at Tim Hortons, me talking a mile a minute, barely able to sit still. And that continued for a while –  I lived to be in your presence. That is before You knew who You were going to be with. My diagnoses from before we met was under control somewhat, and I often stayed in a hypomanic high at the beginning of our relationship.

I never told You I had BP2 – instead, I would give You symptoms/complications that came from it through the first months of being together.

There is the OCD portion of my Life, worse on some days than others, allowing me to control over a small piece in my World. The Tics were the hardest for me to share with You.

The Anxiety which seems that everybody and their dog has – making it easy to slip into a conversation as being something Normal. The thing with this, though, the longer You were with me, the better You knew the extent of it.

Being with you makes the bad days seem good, and the good days seem euphoric. But, earlier on before we lived together the ugly days, I could hide the depression away by telling you I was busy. I would disappear from the “World” and only go to work so to ensure I had a roof over my children’s head and mine.  Back then, I didn’t realize how much I was actually struggling. I don’t think you did either.

It is strange now, as I become healthier, how I can look back on the years before and see how far I have moved in a more positive light with my years with You. I could see how my mania and depression could make me at my worst. And yet, you loved me just as I was.

You love me through it. You love me on the good days, and you love me relentlessly on the bad ones. You keep me in check when the mania can overpower me, and you lift me up when the depression threatens to drown me. You help me get closer to a place of mental healing.

But, with healing, there is never a constant upward slope. Sometimes, I will fall back a few steps, and sometimes those steps can be huge. I am doing better, living a more balanced life. Everything is in check, sleeping, eating, exercising, laughing, loving and managing the illness. Yet, sometimes a person can crack and your world feels like it has caved in – However now there is someone there willing to help me through it.

On the days when I can’t take it when I am frustrated, small fits of rage, my voice quickly raising or silently crying, you hold me until the mind calms down it goes away. On the days when I don’t want to be touched, you give me space and let me come to You and talk if needed.

You love me, every part of me, the raging, the desperate, the hopeless, and ultimately you see me for who I really am. You see the woman harboured deep inside. You wait patiently until the real me comes back to you again until I am myself. You continue to love me through it all.

I am your slave. I am your friend. I love you more than Life itself. I’d give anything to be with you, and even when I try to push you away, just knowing this is – You know it is  when I need you the most.

You are my constant, my anchor. On some days, you are the only reason I continue fighting. So, to the man who has loved me through it, through anything I have unintentionally put you through, I owe you everything. You are my hero.

And I love you with all my heart.


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