Seldom Seen Way











{June 28, 2017}   Honesty is not optional

One of the most common reason most relationships, vanilla and kink, fail is a lack of honesty. It seems the “only as honest as I need to be” mentality is seen as the standard. Interestingly it does not just affect love relationships it includes family and friends too.

The definition of honesty is a sincerity; fairness; and freedom from deceit. A lie is not in the words or the lack of words, it’s the intention of the deceiver; the intent is to elicit a specific response from the asker. To get any insight from honesty a person needs to be able to know their own self and see themselves truthfully. This is a much more difficult concept than people realize and cannot be done quickly.

First off – You need to be honest with yourself. You need to know who you are. You need to deal with all those things that have been hiding in the back dark shadows. You need to quiet your head so that they can be heard and dealt with. Yes, I know – it is difficult – being honest with yourself. It is scary, can be messy, enlightening, freeing all in one. If you can’t be honest with and/or about yourself, you have no place to being a Master to someone while demanding they do the very thing you refuse to do.

Next, you need to be honest with your partner/slave.  You need to candidly relay what you want and need from them while being capable of telling them what you give to them in return. It is never okay to tell them what you think they want to hear; you need to tell them only the truth, no matter how difficult it may be.

And Masters ensure that your slave is honest with you. It is another step in the process of Honesty. It is not enough to hear your slave tell you something, and then go on your merry way. You need to be sure what they are telling you is the truth. It is up to you to confirm you are working with accurate information.

Now I am talking to you from the slave point of view.  I am not trying to be negative and say that a certain party will lie, sure some may, but more often than not that person will simply be ignorant of their own limits, needs, and desires.  It means they have not done the work.

Most of us to evolve and mature have done some work on being honest with ourselves. And this applies to both sides of the slash.  Truth to ourselves; awareness; looking inward to see who we are and where we find strengths or weakness is the hardest work. No one is going to deny that. However, when you do find someone that has put that work into it – it is quite sexy. If you find someone that is just starting that journey, just being there while they explore it, is quite an experience to watch.

When something does go wrong, it’s on you to handle it like a Master – especially if you are going to identify as one – You better damn well act like one. It’s your job to make sure the slave is calm, safe and healthy and to discuss what just happened. You need to accept and own up to any of your own faults, and you need to provide extensive support and compassion. You should not expect to continue having fun that night, or possibly longer – if a situation arises because of a lack of honesty especially to do with play.

Most people forget that honesty is much more than words, it is in your actions too. It does not matter if you repeatedly tell a slave something if your actions contradict your words. That is not honesty, it’s barely halfway there.

The one form of dishonesty that I am not a huge fan of and people seem to disregard is the omission lie. If I don’t mention it, it is like it never even happened – or we want them to believe.

We have all been in relationships where we have withheld things from our partners. It is usually to spare their feelings or to avoid a fight. That is all fine and dandy until your partner figures out that you went out with a friend for drinks the previous night and not home asleep like they assumed. When this happens, whose fault is it? Of course, most will defend themselves by saying that their partner never asked what you were up to that evening, yet your partner assumes that you would be forthcoming in instances such as these.

A deliberate omission can be considered a lie if the lack of information changes outcomes, be it sympathy or choice. You do not owe everyone your intimate life story, however, if you are withholding relevant information to influence a person’s judgment in some way, then it will appear you are lying to them.

The omission seems to become a lie when you intentionally hide something from someone. If you know what you are omitting is, in fact, pertinent and you have a specific motive, well that is most definitely a lie. Any attempt at dishonesty is the same as a lie, regardless if it is done through providing false information or the omission of critical information.

In time, I consider omission is the same as lying if you withhold something pertinent that the other person needs to know.

Lies can happen without you even realizing you are doing it. Other times, you are quite aware of what you are doing. We are all guilty of some form of these. Fuck, I know I can be.

What other things do we lie about?

White lies – I want to include them here. The problem with these little white lies or the ones we “think” are little white lies) can come back to bite you, because regardless of the reason it’s done, it’s still a lie.  “It wasn’t me!”, “Oh yeah, that makes sense”, “I’m 29”, even a “Thank you so much! I just love it!” if said when a situation arises that you don’t wish to “deal” with the circumstance(s).

If you are in a committed relationship and have cheated on your partner, but do not tell your partner, you are still lying to them. Relationships carry the prospects of commitment and by overlooking your indiscretion; you are in fact lying to your partner.

If you fail to tell a friend that you have been pursuing the same person, slowly getting emotionally attached with them please note you are lying to your friend. Think back to high school where this happened a lot, it also happens in the kink community a lot due to a small pool of people.

If you tell people you have been in the community for years that does not equate experience – this is a form of omission and using wordplay to diminish your lack of education on a subject.

When you use fluid definitions relating to relationships (deluding yourself into believing as such), and then contradicted your own self about these definitions at times, when it is more suitable for your own purposes; you are lying.

If you exaggerate or diminish the number of sex partners you have had, you are lying.

If you are asked by your current partner(s) if you have ever cheated on past partner(s) – and you omit this information, you are lying.

Lies of omission happen when there are no guidelines established in advance for multiple partners dynamic.

When someone is masking personal gain for benevolence/service – this is a form of lying.

Not keeping confidential conversations confidential.

The amount of little stupid insecure and irrelevant things a person could lie about in their relationship(s) is abundant if you know what to look for.

Lying about your life in any way is nothing less than being a deception.  You are risking the potential loss of respect. And once trust is lost, it’s hard to restore, and some people never trust the apologetic words of a liar ever again.

When lies of any sort are happening in any relationship – and particularly once they are revealed – they undermine the groundwork that was put into it and erodes the whole foundation.

Trust issues are part of the ‘bones’ of a relationship for me and honesty is what keeps those bones in good shape to make your relationship last.

It will NEVER be optional.

 

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{May 28, 2017}   Closure.

Sometimes it comes in the most unexpected ways. At least now, it will be easier.



{May 4, 2017}   Topics.


{May 3, 2017}   Draft topics/titles:

Touch ago, i wrote that i have several drafts just waiting to be written – some of them have been sitting there for nearly a year. Some you can tell what they are obviously about, and there a few that the title is vague. All that really matters at this point is that i know what they concern. Many of them will not go beyond what you see now.

Fascinated by this and how it works: Herd mentality, or mob mentality, describes how people are influenced by their peers to adopt certain behaviours. A group of 3 or more persons, who act with a negative group conscience to show strength in numbers.

The secrets that are entrusted to you and not bring them up so as to not hurt people you know. What it does to you and hope that you can trust others with your information. I found this apparently is not the case.

People tend to forget what you have done for them when they were in distress – and how it may affect the person/people dealing with their issues with them.

People are not always what they seem. Don’t judge a book by its cover.

What is a Master (to me)?

Insecurity, Character and how they align.

Accepting an apology the first time and letting it go.

Oddball. I feel like the one that doesn’t belong.

Being appreciated.

Owning your shit, and not take on other’s shit as your own to not deal with yours.

Great Weekend Getaway

The Instant Gratification Age

Romance comes in different ways.

A secret love affair…

Still Buzzing.



{February 9, 2017}   Loneliness

Jumbled thoughts – just trying to get out of the head – If it doesn’t make sense – that is alright – it makes sense to me.

Sometimes it would be nice to have “friends” and not just people you work with. To be able to have a social life here at home – just not wait till we go to the City either for MAsT or Subwoofer.

There is always Sir, and occasionally my children wander home… usually to wash their laundry and grab whatever food they see. I get a brief update on their lives.

When i see people or interact with (other than work), Sir is always with me. He gets to go to coffee munches if they are during the weeknights – i cannot. i feel left out and disconnected. And yes – i understand that i am jealous.

He gets to converse with a variety of people because of His job or people seek Him out there.

When i had young children i got out more and was more social than i do now. If i ever felt isolated it is more so as i am older and with my job.

i don’t have the luxury to go to anything that is planned in the evenings because i work – the other people we know are day walkers – i am not.

i know my interests are not the same as most women – or we just don’t know where to start a conversation.

Sir gets that intellect conversation via chat/emails from other women. It is something i actually crave.

What i get instead are messages from men that are directed by the head in their pants not the one on top of their shoulders. Men feel the need to flatter / objectify me believing that will get me to want to sleep with them or want to be their third. Or it will be the woman of the couple requesting the same thing. And when i try to direct the conversation to something other than sex, they disappear. NOT that i am against sex – i LOVE it – though i don’t want to start my first initial contact with you based solely on that. i love to know about the person.

i am thankful i have a Sir that does listen when i want to talk to Him – sometimes it takes a bit to form what i need to spit out. He speaks Dot very well LoL. There is more to this as the topic of poly came up. Right now i am not in a place to write about it. Perhaps in time or perhaps my brain will allow me to figure out things easier than it does.

Anyway, i really should finish my work that is on my desk…i do wish to go home and be with Sir. Hopefully He is feeling a touch better tonight.

 

 



{November 22, 2016}   DomSplained

When a -note- of the combined conversations/discussions of a night of MAsT on Consideration and Training is responded to by an individual who is obviously not from the area, nor understand what MAsT does … ends with her commenting after some dribble “Many people don’t do consideration or training periods. I never did it with my master. He’s been doing this since you were about eleven years old and has never done that consideration or treating with any of his relationships.”

The last line is what did it to me: “Why is it that I feel like I’ve just been DomSplained?” – You wish to bitch slap them. Good for you – I am glad it worked out for you.

The reason I say this is – I tend to read the profiles of the commenters – when you say one thing and read or do another, you do not become credible. It is interesting when your profile states one thing, and you read through it and find something else entirely – you were not considered? you didn’t train? I call bullshit – wait – your profile tells me that. Sockpuppet/troll accounts really piss me off.

I suppose she must know what we were discussing as a group – with the back and forth, and sharing. She must know what people were wanting to know, and wanted to ask – some afraid to even speak, yet got out of their comfort spot to do so.

If the information came off as DomSplaining… then I do not know what I can say – since I am definitely not a Dom and I was the one that put the notes together. There were a few websites sited and their words used – to give our members some links that may be helpful in their Life and Journey with TPE.

I am a little pissed off – and that is alright.

It was a good meeting with a lot of good information. I do hope that people got what they needed from it.

Edit (2 days later) : You definitely can tell i was agitated when i wrote this.



Sexual orientation is something that is hard to describe for yourself especially in this day and age where there are so many choices. i fall under the umbrella of Pansexual and have for several years and many of the relationships that i have had would reflect this. i am attracted to people regardless of their gender, sex or presentation.

Let us start with the definition of Sexual Orientation:

Sexual Orientation – (noun) the type of sexual, romantic, emotional/spiritual attraction one feels for others, often labelled based on the gender relationship between the person and the people they are attracted to (often mistakenly referred to as sexual preference)

Sexual orientation is different from gender and gender identity — how you feel about and express your gender.

i have noticed that many people pick one and still do not really understand what or why they picked it.

 

Here is a quick list of some Terms with a definition to follow each:

i will leave a link to a great website for these and so many others as a reference if you have questions.

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2013/01/a-comprehensive-list-of-lgbtq-term-definitions/#sthash.4YcPQEqL.dpbs

Aromantic – (adj) is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others and/or a lack of interest in forming romantic relationships.

Asexual – (adj) having a lack of (or low level of) sexual attraction to others and/or a lack of interest or desire for sex or sexual partners.  Asexuality exists on a spectrum from people who experience no sexual attraction or have any desire for sex to those who experience low levels and only after significant amounts of time, many of these different places on the spectrum have their own identity labels.

Bicurious – (adj) a curiosity about having attraction to people of the same gender/sex (similar to questioning)

Bisexual – (adj) a person emotionally, physically, and/or sexually attracted to male/men and females/women.  Other individuals may use this to indicate an attraction to individuals who identify outside of the gender binary as well and may use bisexual as a way to indicate an interest in more than one gender or sex (i.e. men and genderqueer people).

Demisexual – (noun) an individual who does not experience sexual attraction unless they have formed a strong emotional connection with another individual. Often within a romantic relationship.

Gay – (adj) (1) a term used to describe individuals who are primarily emotionally, physically, and/or sexually attracted to members of the same sex and/or gender.

Genderqueer – (adj) a gender identity label often used by people who do not identify with the binary of man/woman; or as an umbrella term for many gender non-conforming or non-binary identities (e.g., agender, bigender, genderfluid). Genderqueer people may think of themselves as one or more of the following, and they may define these terms differently: may combine aspects man and woman and other identities (bigender, pangender); not having a gender or identifying with a gender (genderless, agender); moving between genders (genderfluid); third gender or other-gendered; includes those who do not place a name to their gender having an overlap of, or blurred lines between, gender identity and sexual and romantic orientation.

Heterosexual – (adj) a person primarily emotionally, physically, and/or sexually attracted to members of the opposite sex. Also known as straight.

Lesbian – (noun) a term used to describe women attracted romantically, erotically, and/or emotionally to other women.

Pansexual – (adj) a person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction for members of all gender identities/expressions

Questioning (verb, adjective) – an individual who is unsure about or is exploring their own sexual orientation or gender identity.

Transsexual – (noun & adj) a person who identifies psychologically as a gender/sex other than the one to which they were assigned at birth. Transsexuals often wish to transform their bodies hormonally and surgically to match their inner sense of gender/sex.

Two-Spirit – (noun) is an umbrella term traditionally used by Native American people to recognize individuals who possess qualities or fulfill roles of both genders

 

As you can see, this is a small collection of terms that you will hear when you are out and about in the World. It can become confusing if you are unsure and that is alright.

 

 

 



{October 14, 2016}   Act of Engaging
***This is a post i started many moons ago.  It is just now that i am getting back to it – bits and pieces, here and there. ***

Yes, that word can get pretty messy sometimes.

i find it is the easiest way to deal with some individuals is not to engage them… as they do not get the hint, that the subject has been dropped. Basically – it is done – in my mind anyway. i am not going to waste any more time, and giving myself a headache.

i notice that with many friends of late, you can start engaging in a conversation, or situation that you know is going to blow up into something bigger than it should. And then you wonder…should i even continue.

For some people, it is like a fuel to the fire. They enjoy it in a sense… a slight high from it. You can actually see them getting off on it. The experience i have from this one was the ex-husband – it gave me a lot of practise to know how to deal with it – almost on a daily basis. You get really good at learning how to diffuse small fires before they become too big and consume everyone and everything around you.

i find these people like to monopolize time even when you are not with them. The time spent dealing with them… along with the time spent venting to your partner(s) or friends about them becoming an obsession sometimes with them. They steal your time and your energy – more than you even start to realize.

The one thing i love about being an introvert is that engaging with people is not something i seek out. i do not want to be the center of attention however, i do not want to be ignored entirely either. i will engage if i need to.

Not engaging in conversations that irk me or you can see the other person doing it for attention, pardon i will change that, doing it for validation makes me sad that a person has to do that to feel worthy.

Engaging with these type of people feels like you are going in a circular motion with no end coming. It does not matter what you say to them, it will never be enough, or it is too much and they end up taking something entirely something else from it. It appears to be always to be One extreme or another. They are never happy without having the Last Word – Whatever  and how that may be.

There is a subset of people i at times do want to engage with however their intelligence and emotional IQ being that it is low and/or get in the way of a good conversation, would in the end just frustrate me to get them to understand what i was willing to bring to the conversation.

When i talk about these people, i usually am referring to people who are religion / political zealots, and managers/supervisors whose heads are too big –  actually anyone that feels they have any amount of Power over you (and no, i am not talking about someone you submit to WILLINGLY.)

There are still moments that i open up my mouth when i know i should not – though it is rare these days. i instantly regret doing it, and attempt to back out before i make it worse for all parties. The ones that make it the hardest, are the persistent ones… they do not know enough to leave it be.

Sometimes words are not needed and Learning that pushing will not solve/make better a situation every time. You need to accept that. You are not always going to feel better when you do it. You are not always going to get the reaction that you are hoping.

Engaging is an Art at times. Just be prepared for the Outcome – whatever it may or not be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



{August 31, 2016}   Been avoiding…

i have been avoiding this forum to write – there is so much going on in our Family that sometimes it seems  overwhelming to lay it out here. Sir has posted to help Him to sort His brain out.

For me, it is just little things – for Him it seems to be small things, piling on top of other things – and the big things are attempting to balance on top.

Sir and i are well between us. Thankfully that is something we are good at keeping in a good place. It is everything else surrounding us.

It seems Sir doesn’t get a moment to breathe before He needs to deal with the next dilemma/drama/issue at hand. When He goes to sleep – it takes Him a touch to get to slumber land – and it is not a restful one. Trust me – i watch and listen to Him throughout the night.

Yesterday i had Sir write (AND YES, i HAD Sir write) – He needed to do it – for His sanity and everyone else that is connected to Him. i need to take care of Him and i was running out of options. His well-being is being compromised, and you can see little bits of Him being pulled in many directions – some are good and the others not so much.

i am hoping today at work – it is really busy and He doesn’t have time to think – or really quiet – as He will clean to relax/semi think.

So yeah – that is why i have been “quiet”. i did have a great weekend – and when everything settles – i may get to writing about it. However at this time – i need to be there for Sir ❤

AND From the cries of Einstein – it appears i need to feed the Feline Overlords – as they are starving. Perhaps i will also get the sun-room wall finally cleaned.

 



{August 17, 2016}   Private blog posting.

Earlier last night, i blogged a private post – one that i was not going to post at all.

Sir knows me a touch too well – and the way it was going – i was scared to have Him read it – His stress was quite evident when i picked Him up from work. i didn’t want to burden Him anymore than i needed to with my Stupid Brain.

He asked if all is good – as i was more quiet than usual – i honestly can’t remember how i responded… again He asked further down the road. i let Him know i did in fact blog – didn’t want to bother Him about it. He just told me it was His job to be “bothered” with it.

We got home, and i went to the bedroom to get ready for work…He read the post – He wandered back to the Bedroom – He held me.

From that moment, i knew it was good to tell Him – i didn’t need that hanging on my head all night into the next day. He did what He needed to reassure me…which i really needed at that moment.

Long story Short:

The most important thing i am to remember is – It is His main job to take care of me so that i can take care of everything else. He can’t help to make it better if i do not tell Him – and not to forget that.

“Yes, Sir!”



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