Seldom Seen Way











{April 26, 2017}   Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys

Being the good Polish girl that i was brought up to be, this idiom rings true in my Life. Basically – If it’s not your monkey, and it’s not even from your circus, then it’s not your problem.

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i won’t interfere or bother myself with trouble in a place i don’t belong to or have no authority — it’s someone else’s job to deal with this.

The problem i have is when another person assumes you took a side when you only acknowledged someone’s frustration concerning something. And we do this with all friends and acquaintances that we are connected with on some level.

The other problem i have is when said person decided to email in a hostile manner without giving much thought into how it would be received. There was no context to what or who it was pertaining to. It does not make it any better when they write using the fact Community Leaders need to be careful who they “support”.  Being somewhat threatening to where our “loyalties” seem to lie, in my opinion, is a very low place to go. This person did not have the right to do that and was very disrespectful. It would be like me going to her Sir and lecturing him on who he should or should not associate with.

The next reply after Sir wrote her was to apologize that the email might be taken hostile.  It then became an email under the guise of being helpful, however, at that point, the damage was already done.

i would think that being mindful of the written word especially in this circumstance would have been prudent. If i ever did that to anyone and Sir found out – my arse would be more than black and blue (and not in a fun way).

i am the one that had to deal with Sir after this interaction. It was not pretty at all. He kept thinking He did something wrong and went back to see if He wrote something that could be thought of taking a side. There was not. We as a couple, ensure that is the case especially when drama may pop up. We are just as confused as everyone else once it started to explode in front of us. All we had were questions and it definitely wasn’t the time to ask them.

Perception can be a bitch – I agree. In this case, the person was making an assumption on something without even asking where we might have stood on said topic. And sadly we had to guess what the person was referring to initially.

Apparently, it is fine that they are able to pick a side and declare it – yet it is not allowed to others even if you are a Leader in the community. Personally, i do not think they should have stepped in either. Let the people that are running the event, clean up their own shit. All this is doing is making the lines pretty clear where people stand.

As Sir has said before, we will be Switzerland. We do not know either parties side to the situation and likely never will.

We do not attend this event due to when it is scheduled – usually a work weekend for Sir.

It is unfortunate that this has become a Shit-Show for all of the Fetlife participants and for the Community at Large in the City to witness. We did not consent to this mess being splayed across our screens (actually “gagged” individuals on my feed because of this) and i do not think people should drag others into it – even if it is only an assumption.

This is also unfortunate to what is going and is happening to the BDSM/Kink community.

I do hope it improves or at least all Egos are put on the side for the sake of the community without splitting it even further than it is.



{February 27, 2017}   First Day of the Next Year.

This weekend was most likely the best celebration of my yearly event. There was nothing crazy and wild going, no birthday beatings or being spoiled with useless material items.

It was a weekend that made me smile and have tears at the end of it of happiness.

It started off at home at 9 am, when i told my oldest daughter that i would pick her up from the dealership as she was getting some recall work done on her truck. The only thing with that time is that i wasn’t done work until 2:30 am, and finally got home closer to 3. Knowing how i am and going to sleep it was closer to  5 am for me.

Anyway, i picked up Belle and brought her to the house. And i went to lay back down for a couple of more hours to feel better rested.  She took the time to continue cleaning out the bedroom that she had most of Life stored in since June (she just bought a house with her Partner just before Yule and still doing some reno’s)

She also decided to tidy up, put away the dishes that were in the dishwasher, clean up the coffee bar, and wash floors so that i could enjoy the time off without worrying about what i need to do when we get back. That was a great gift – to alleviate some of my anxiety and allow me to relax on that front.

Apparently, we didn’t get to leave as early as we wanted due to the dealership not calling to tell her they didn’t have the parts. We made it work, though, it meant shopping was a Sunday thing instead.

We drove into the City and got to Sir L and el’s place about 7 pm – giving us time to have a quick visit and a couple of drinks to start the evening. Sir had picked out my outfit for the most part and said sensible shoes (smart man LoL). He corseted me up (which is a favourite time with Him now that He is pretty proficient with it) and away we went.

Please note – this is what i can remember LoL – if i forget anything or anyone – i apolgize now as there was so much going on 🙂

Arriving at Subwoofer, the wonderful Miss J was at the door and greeted us as she appeared to be taking a break from Bootblacking. Taking our usual seats in the back corner, we noticed how quiet it was for the time…however, that changed quickly and people we recognized were wandering in. Snug and her partner sat with us until the rest of their crew showed up. It was good to sit and talk with those two.

All in all – It was an awesome night, as i was dreading a bit to going (only a few people know to the why), and had to tell myself to let things go and have fun.  And fun i had. i was talking to one person about corsets, and another on Life in general as a slave and our “pasts”. i got to watch Miss J black Sir’s boots which look awesome by the way. We had a great conversation with Miss J as that was happening (note to self to ensure we make time for Tea with Her when time permits). It was too bad we didn’t get to see Her girls.

A surprise visit from the other House as they wandered up to us. It was good to see Betty and her crew show up along with a couple of tag-a-longs.

i discovered a new shooter that i think is a new favourite – thanks to eius-socius, i now know what they are and love White Chinas. It was really good to be able to have one on one with her talking.

i got to see many yagger and white china shots that evening (thanks to all who contributed) and there was no complaining by me. There were several doubles of Green Apples to chase those down.

Sunday getting up hurt a touch – only because 11 am is -early- for me, other than that i was good. Breakfast was yummy, as el made french toast banana bread with a strawberry compote and chocolate syrup ❤

After cleaning up our room, showered, and say our goodbyes we went to the Mall. We wandered about as it has been close to a year since we have been. Sir bought me a new mug  (It is Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children) and a couple of shirts for Himself.

As it was getting late, we still needed to go to Betty’s House. Sir needed to help out with a virus thing on their laptop. It allowed a quick visit before we were on the road again.

The ride home was quiet and allowed us to contemplate the last couple of days…with random comments. You know that time when something you remembered and you just want to share little snippets – that is what i would call it.

Being at home and seeing our furry assholes signalled to me that i could relax and enjoy this vacation that started off great. To add to it, the other daughter came by too and did a couple of things (clean the fridge as one) to help out.

The bath was drawn with Epson salts to soak and then the jets came on, with bubble bath to agitate. It felt luxurious and Sir woke me from my small nap as i seemed to be taking awhile. It was then time for a hot tea and a bagel while we watched an episode of Bones before bed.

It was a weekend that i thanked Sir many times for – as He knows how i usually act the month or so and during my Birthday. i made an effort this year not to go into a low, and to enjoy what i have and who is in my Life.

i want to again to thank everyone that was there this weekend – you might not realize what you did, however just being there and taking time to share some of it with me – means more than i can tell you.

And you know what –  i am a blessed woman.



{February 9, 2017}   Loneliness

Jumbled thoughts – just trying to get out of the head – If it doesn’t make sense – that is alright – it makes sense to me.

Sometimes it would be nice to have “friends” and not just people you work with. To be able to have a social life here at home – just not wait till we go to the City either for MAsT or Subwoofer.

There is always Sir, and occasionally my children wander home… usually to wash their laundry and grab whatever food they see. I get a brief update on their lives.

When i see people or interact with (other than work), Sir is always with me. He gets to go to coffee munches if they are during the weeknights – i cannot. i feel left out and disconnected. And yes – i understand that i am jealous.

He gets to converse with a variety of people because of His job or people seek Him out there.

When i had young children i got out more and was more social than i do now. If i ever felt isolated it is more so as i am older and with my job.

i don’t have the luxury to go to anything that is planned in the evenings because i work – the other people we know are day walkers – i am not.

i know my interests are not the same as most women – or we just don’t know where to start a conversation.

Sir gets that intellect conversation via chat/emails from other women. It is something i actually crave.

What i get instead are messages from men that are directed by the head in their pants not the one on top of their shoulders. Men feel the need to flatter / objectify me believing that will get me to want to sleep with them or want to be their third. Or it will be the woman of the couple requesting the same thing. And when i try to direct the conversation to something other than sex, they disappear. NOT that i am against sex – i LOVE it – though i don’t want to start my first initial contact with you based solely on that. i love to know about the person.

i am thankful i have a Sir that does listen when i want to talk to Him – sometimes it takes a bit to form what i need to spit out. He speaks Dot very well LoL. There is more to this as the topic of poly came up. Right now i am not in a place to write about it. Perhaps in time or perhaps my brain will allow me to figure out things easier than it does.

Anyway, i really should finish my work that is on my desk…i do wish to go home and be with Sir. Hopefully He is feeling a touch better tonight.

 

 



{January 18, 2017}   Things Change as you Age…

However, Let us Look at it in a Positive Light.

“Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Today is my youngest Birthday – she is now 21 years old. And with this, i have been thinking a lot lately. The older you become many things are not like they are used…and of course, that is the way it should be.

Some people take change much easier than others, and i happen to be one of the “others”.

For me, that is why there is routine to help with things that can be more controlled in your Life – either through Sir or myself.

Unfortunately, the part about getting older i cannot change, i will be getting older every second of the day. As of late, i have trying to look for the positives in this.

My children are becoming my friends. It is nice to be able to sit and talk to them about things without someone getting butt hurt because I couldn’t get them something. They have a better understanding of what being an adult and becoming parents themselves entails.

Learn from my mistakes – and make better decisions because of it. This is especially important when it comes to health.

Knowing more people and have more resources than i did in my 20’s. There is always someone that i can reach out to if i am not sure of something.

The materials of Life – i don’t need a lot of “things” in my Life (ie. clothes) like i felt i needed before.

i judge people more on who they are – not what they have. Actions speak volumes.

i don’t always have to be right – I listen more to all sides – more to understand than to win.

My relationship is more mature – and i have learned what i want and need to do to have an awesome one.

i am really good at my job – years of working my ass off has paid off. And with it, more time and money to do the things i want and do without worrying if i can buy groceries to feed us the next week.

i am not worried (as much) about how i am looking as i did when i was in my 20’s. i am becoming more comfortable with myself.

i now dress for comfort LoL – high heels have fucked up my legs, and i am not scared what people will think when i wear a toque (at least I am warm)

i am not as ill as I used to get. i think my immune system is getting better because i am looking out better for myself as is Sir.

i am MUCH Happier now than i was in my younger years. It is nice to have people comment that to you out of the blue.

i have always had a great sex life – now it is awesome – because i know what i want/need and communicate it.

i am more thoughtful / logical in decisions or just my thought process analyzes better without getting all emotional – i notice this a lot at work compared with younger people.

Thankful i get to become older. You start to recognize your own mortality. It reminds me to prioritize what matters most to me each day.



{January 7, 2017}   Pretty Reminders

i know it has been a touch since i have written. It has been a crazy few months for us Both.

Life sometimes likes to complicate what you thought was going to happen, or when/where you get to go when you had a different freedom before. It has made us change a few things at home. The way we spend our time, our money, and our energies.

At first, it was hard, however, that time passes when you realise what you eventually gained. November and December was a good month of Family (blood and non) and having to slow down our Life to adjust. This has included the way we play. It has been good to put it into perspective.

Just yesterday, while at work, i had a few reminders of my last day or two. Nothing that would seem out of the ordinary, no huge wallops of bruised, broken or whipped skin.

You know those reminders when you just move a certain way. It becomes really apparent and you know they are there, being silent otherwise until an opportunity springs forward.

People forget that Play doesn’t always have to a staged event or one where it is quite obvious from your body that something went down.

These impromptu movements that pop up, either while you are both reading in bed, walking across the living room, in the shower, or bent over picking something up, become my favourites. It is those that remind me that at that moment, He was thinking of Himself and me – enjoying what is His and when He wants it.

One of those things was a bite mark in just the right place. The sweater could conceal it when i got up and had to walk around at work. The mark is just light enough but still visible. It stings if my finger grazes it, taking me to a happy place while we were showering. There is another bite mark just under my bra strap on my back. Again, if it just touched the right way…i grimace and then smile about the thought.

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The invisible ouchies such as being cunt-punched (one of my favourite things), makes walking an interesting thing especially when you need to walk the Stairs of Death.

The muscles on your legs which got positioned into a way that it hasn’t been in awhile. Interestingly this reminds me to continue yoga. There has been slacking with this one due to hours or lack of hours in my days/nights.

The play while tiger balm was being applied to my legs and feet. It was a highlight due to the fact He wore gloves (hehe, huge fetish). He was able to rub the muscles, make me squeal in pain and delight – all the while doing it to help me. It also helped His Sadist Heart – which i am more than alright with.

That moment when you go fill up Sir’s cup with more coffee, and He is instantly walking behind you while you cross the room. He likes to grab from behind and bend me over to play…which in turn has me mopping the floor.

Yes, reminders that i carry around with me when i am needing a pick me up.

Reminder when i don’t think the shift will ever end because i just want to be with Him at home.

A Reminder that our Relationship on a whole is fucking awesome even 8 years later.

 



Sexual orientation is something that is hard to describe for yourself especially in this day and age where there are so many choices. i fall under the umbrella of Pansexual and have for several years and many of the relationships that i have had would reflect this. i am attracted to people regardless of their gender, sex or presentation.

Let us start with the definition of Sexual Orientation:

Sexual Orientation – (noun) the type of sexual, romantic, emotional/spiritual attraction one feels for others, often labelled based on the gender relationship between the person and the people they are attracted to (often mistakenly referred to as sexual preference)

Sexual orientation is different from gender and gender identity — how you feel about and express your gender.

i have noticed that many people pick one and still do not really understand what or why they picked it.

 

Here is a quick list of some Terms with a definition to follow each:

i will leave a link to a great website for these and so many others as a reference if you have questions.

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2013/01/a-comprehensive-list-of-lgbtq-term-definitions/#sthash.4YcPQEqL.dpbs

Aromantic – (adj) is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others and/or a lack of interest in forming romantic relationships.

Asexual – (adj) having a lack of (or low level of) sexual attraction to others and/or a lack of interest or desire for sex or sexual partners.  Asexuality exists on a spectrum from people who experience no sexual attraction or have any desire for sex to those who experience low levels and only after significant amounts of time, many of these different places on the spectrum have their own identity labels.

Bicurious – (adj) a curiosity about having attraction to people of the same gender/sex (similar to questioning)

Bisexual – (adj) a person emotionally, physically, and/or sexually attracted to male/men and females/women.  Other individuals may use this to indicate an attraction to individuals who identify outside of the gender binary as well and may use bisexual as a way to indicate an interest in more than one gender or sex (i.e. men and genderqueer people).

Demisexual – (noun) an individual who does not experience sexual attraction unless they have formed a strong emotional connection with another individual. Often within a romantic relationship.

Gay – (adj) (1) a term used to describe individuals who are primarily emotionally, physically, and/or sexually attracted to members of the same sex and/or gender.

Genderqueer – (adj) a gender identity label often used by people who do not identify with the binary of man/woman; or as an umbrella term for many gender non-conforming or non-binary identities (e.g., agender, bigender, genderfluid). Genderqueer people may think of themselves as one or more of the following, and they may define these terms differently: may combine aspects man and woman and other identities (bigender, pangender); not having a gender or identifying with a gender (genderless, agender); moving between genders (genderfluid); third gender or other-gendered; includes those who do not place a name to their gender having an overlap of, or blurred lines between, gender identity and sexual and romantic orientation.

Heterosexual – (adj) a person primarily emotionally, physically, and/or sexually attracted to members of the opposite sex. Also known as straight.

Lesbian – (noun) a term used to describe women attracted romantically, erotically, and/or emotionally to other women.

Pansexual – (adj) a person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction for members of all gender identities/expressions

Questioning (verb, adjective) – an individual who is unsure about or is exploring their own sexual orientation or gender identity.

Transsexual – (noun & adj) a person who identifies psychologically as a gender/sex other than the one to which they were assigned at birth. Transsexuals often wish to transform their bodies hormonally and surgically to match their inner sense of gender/sex.

Two-Spirit – (noun) is an umbrella term traditionally used by Native American people to recognize individuals who possess qualities or fulfill roles of both genders

 

As you can see, this is a small collection of terms that you will hear when you are out and about in the World. It can become confusing if you are unsure and that is alright.

 

 

 



{October 14, 2016}   Act of Engaging
***This is a post i started many moons ago.  It is just now that i am getting back to it – bits and pieces, here and there. ***

Yes, that word can get pretty messy sometimes.

i find it is the easiest way to deal with some individuals is not to engage them… as they do not get the hint, that the subject has been dropped. Basically – it is done – in my mind anyway. i am not going to waste any more time, and giving myself a headache.

i notice that with many friends of late, you can start engaging in a conversation, or situation that you know is going to blow up into something bigger than it should. And then you wonder…should i even continue.

For some people, it is like a fuel to the fire. They enjoy it in a sense… a slight high from it. You can actually see them getting off on it. The experience i have from this one was the ex-husband – it gave me a lot of practise to know how to deal with it – almost on a daily basis. You get really good at learning how to diffuse small fires before they become too big and consume everyone and everything around you.

i find these people like to monopolize time even when you are not with them. The time spent dealing with them… along with the time spent venting to your partner(s) or friends about them becoming an obsession sometimes with them. They steal your time and your energy – more than you even start to realize.

The one thing i love about being an introvert is that engaging with people is not something i seek out. i do not want to be the center of attention however, i do not want to be ignored entirely either. i will engage if i need to.

Not engaging in conversations that irk me or you can see the other person doing it for attention, pardon i will change that, doing it for validation makes me sad that a person has to do that to feel worthy.

Engaging with these type of people feels like you are going in a circular motion with no end coming. It does not matter what you say to them, it will never be enough, or it is too much and they end up taking something entirely something else from it. It appears to be always to be One extreme or another. They are never happy without having the Last Word – Whatever  and how that may be.

There is a subset of people i at times do want to engage with however their intelligence and emotional IQ being that it is low and/or get in the way of a good conversation, would in the end just frustrate me to get them to understand what i was willing to bring to the conversation.

When i talk about these people, i usually am referring to people who are religion / political zealots, and managers/supervisors whose heads are too big –  actually anyone that feels they have any amount of Power over you (and no, i am not talking about someone you submit to WILLINGLY.)

There are still moments that i open up my mouth when i know i should not – though it is rare these days. i instantly regret doing it, and attempt to back out before i make it worse for all parties. The ones that make it the hardest, are the persistent ones… they do not know enough to leave it be.

Sometimes words are not needed and Learning that pushing will not solve/make better a situation every time. You need to accept that. You are not always going to feel better when you do it. You are not always going to get the reaction that you are hoping.

Engaging is an Art at times. Just be prepared for the Outcome – whatever it may or not be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



{September 15, 2016}   Hiding.

No. Not what you think.

Not me.

Nor Sir.

From experience,  when someone goes that little extra step on a social media such as Fetlife, you know they are hiding something.

It is one thing to have them contact you after a bit and inform you both…because their therapist said to do it…remove us as friends on social media…and she did.

It is a whole other level to block you both a week later on one social media and not the other. There was no reason, no contact (as per her – yet it was fine for her to do so…on her terms), and our loves of pictures, writings or events we were attending didn’t show up on her feed anyway as we were not friends anymore.

It was quite ignorant actually. She is hiding … Yet she can’t hide as well as she thought. Not that trustworthy…and proving it more and more. She is known to say one thing, and do something else if anything actally happens. Basically what I call excuses or back pedaling.

Early today…to take back some control…I decided to block her from the other social media. I am tired of having the relationship that is not supposed to exist…still be manipulated.

I know she still reads this blog. It is hard to block a public forum…unless I choose to do so. I said fuck it…this is my space. I will write what I want.

So with saying that…she won’t know what events we will be going to unless she asks someone. She will have to rely on someone to do that for her. And guess what…if she wishes to avoid us…good luck. We don’t always RSVP to events anymore. As long as they are on my planner, we are good to go.

It appears to be getting late…my brain is slowly getting quieter. I think I needed this post to help with that.

 



{September 13, 2016}   Safe Place.

i have been hiding in the corners of the mind, not wanting to peek out and see who might be out and about.

i need to write and i do not feel that i can be as open as i used to be. i am angry still. The angry keeps getting fuel with mini flare-ups in my head.

The holiday i had started off not bad (great play with Sir…with BK helping at the end) – however things were still the same with Kitten…a little part of me said to stop – this is not helping you, and more frustrating by the minute, hour, the day.

Words mean nothing unless you follow through. For me, that becomes a trust thing. There was none at that point.

i told Sir i was going to break up with her a couple of times, and each time, i gave another chance – more for Him than me – hoping that things would change. That wasn’t the case.

Again, i told Sir. He said it was your relationship to do as you will. If you are unhappy, do what you need to do.

On Tuesday of my holiday, that is what happened. There was no connection on any level – because she poured herself into Sir, not me. It is hard to connect with someone when they see and use you as a Library.

Anyway – i need to get past this – this is me attempting to do that. i need to have my safe place to write again. i am missing it.



{August 17, 2016}   I believe:

That I am a child of the Mother Goddess and Father God.
That you cannot have male without female and female without male.
That the love I share will come back to me threefold.
That the hate I share will come back to me threefold.
That energy around me can be manipulated.
That all things can be mine, both good and bane.
That on one’s death, you cross into a beautiful land and are with the ones you love- forever, if you so choose to stay, if not, you may come back as you see fit.
That we are all here to evolve and to grow, and that the ultimate gift of that evolution is God/Goddess-hood.
That we are always loved by the God and Goddess.
That positive is not possible without negative and negative without positive.
That we are responsible for our own lives and nothing happens as a result of “bad-luck.”
That there is no such thing as an all-white or all-black Witch.
That there is no such thing as ultimate evil or ultimate good. Nothing can be 100% one way or the other.
That I am solely responsible for my evolution as a being, not a minister, therapist, political figure or the like.
That I may call upon the God and Goddess in their infinite aspects/personages whenever and wherever I so choose.
That I should thank the God and Goddess for every day and every night in my life, and everything in it.
That my life is sacred and precious.
That all life is sacred and precious.
That I must HARM NONE, the oldest and most sacred law of Witchcraft and Wicca.
That I must strive to love all and to understand.

That I must learn to accept all, for we are all children of the God and Goddess.
That the Earth is our Mother and our womb, and she is to be cherished and respected.
That a person that is gay or bi-sexual is not evil or abnormal.
That there is No Hell! Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
That everyone deserves to procreate if they so choose.
That if someone cannot procreate, they should be allowed to adopt freely and without bias.
That we must accept full-responsibility for those that we bring into this world or take-on as a parent or guardian with no exceptions.
That the idea that suffering in this life with the thought that everything will be better in heaven is both irresponsible and incorrect. The God and Goddess has given us everything we need here and now, not given with the idea of “later.”

That love is the greatest blessing and the greatest gift.
That perfect love is one of the most important lessons we are here to learn.
That the God and Goddess are and express perfect love to us all.
That each being has the right to freely choose his/her path in life without the fear of guilt or shame.
That all experiences, both good and bad are to teach us what we need to learn and evolve in our lives.
That dwelling in the past or by being obsessive about the future is a waste of time. Be here and now …first, and most importantly.
That to abuse or use anyone or anything for personal gain or otherwise is a very serious offense to yourself and the God and Goddess.
That no other person or being of any kind is better or inferior than you or I.

That each of us has our own unique set of skills, talents, and abilities in this incarnation, we must discover what we have and use them to grow and evolve.
That we must learn and respect each other for his/her own unique set of skills, talents, and abilities.
That everyone deserves the same rights and dignities as everyone else.
That everyone is here for each other as well as for ourselves, we are all in this together.



et cetera
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