Seldom Seen Way











{May 28, 2017}   Closure.

Sometimes it comes in the most unexpected ways. At least now, it will be easier.



{February 9, 2017}   Loneliness

Jumbled thoughts – just trying to get out of the head – If it doesn’t make sense – that is alright – it makes sense to me.

Sometimes it would be nice to have “friends” and not just people you work with. To be able to have a social life here at home – just not wait till we go to the City either for MAsT or Subwoofer.

There is always Sir, and occasionally my children wander home… usually to wash their laundry and grab whatever food they see. I get a brief update on their lives.

When i see people or interact with (other than work), Sir is always with me. He gets to go to coffee munches if they are during the weeknights – i cannot. i feel left out and disconnected. And yes – i understand that i am jealous.

He gets to converse with a variety of people because of His job or people seek Him out there.

When i had young children i got out more and was more social than i do now. If i ever felt isolated it is more so as i am older and with my job.

i don’t have the luxury to go to anything that is planned in the evenings because i work – the other people we know are day walkers – i am not.

i know my interests are not the same as most women – or we just don’t know where to start a conversation.

Sir gets that intellect conversation via chat/emails from other women. It is something i actually crave.

What i get instead are messages from men that are directed by the head in their pants not the one on top of their shoulders. Men feel the need to flatter / objectify me believing that will get me to want to sleep with them or want to be their third. Or it will be the woman of the couple requesting the same thing. And when i try to direct the conversation to something other than sex, they disappear. NOT that i am against sex – i LOVE it – though i don’t want to start my first initial contact with you based solely on that. i love to know about the person.

i am thankful i have a Sir that does listen when i want to talk to Him – sometimes it takes a bit to form what i need to spit out. He speaks Dot very well LoL. There is more to this as the topic of poly came up. Right now i am not in a place to write about it. Perhaps in time or perhaps my brain will allow me to figure out things easier than it does.

Anyway, i really should finish my work that is on my desk…i do wish to go home and be with Sir. Hopefully He is feeling a touch better tonight.

 

 



{October 14, 2016}   Low.

i am wishing this wasn’t starting now, that it would go away for a while. Let me enjoy the month.

The start of a low has been happening for about a week, maybe two. One of the first hints is my forearm, it is starting to look like a war zone. i just want to scratch it off already. And the sleepless nights are starting to catch up with me.It seems 6am comes easily before i realize i need to sleep – even though my body is tired. i won’t even start to write what goes on in my head when this happens. Hell, it depresses me.

With the lack of sleep, comes other issues. The brain doesn’t want to remember Fuck All right now. People rattle off things and i can’t keep up. The simple Math game i play at the grocery store is not fun anymore – just a necessity to ensure i stay within budget.

i have been getting more clumsy too, not able to do a simple task at times. i am hitting the corners of things, or missing the fact a door is open.  The tics have decided this is a great time to pop up too…which doesn’t help with the anxiety. It is one of those things that i take a huge effort to avoid in public or at least dampen them.

The headaches are starting again, making it more difficult to even concentrate on work. Then it feels i have to make more effort to do my job which is detail oriented as it is. It becomes very exhausting.

i want to eat ALL the things OR not eat at all. When i do start, i wish the hell i didn’t. i can’t find a happy place with it. i have to eat to survive, so you get to a point of forcing it in. You force it in and instantly regret it.

Sometimes i feel suffocated, and then other days i feel so alone.

Sir has noticed, He always ask if there is anything He can do. i always say no, just be here. i just hope that i am there for Him enough.

Normally i wouldn’t be this detailed on what happens however i need to accept that this is me sometimes. Accepting me is likely the hardest thing i have to do in Life.

i am writing this to get it out there, to recognize what it is doing to me, to help me analyze it, knowing it won’t last – and at least realize i need to change things to make it better.



I love that I came to work – to go straight back home to start at 8 pm. I don’t mind working overnight if it starts at 10/11 pm – in this case I am clocking over-time after 4:30 am… I am going to attempt to escape at 6/6:30 am,

Apparently it is too difficult to phone or text me that my minion called in at 11:30 am. Instead they sent an email – that I may or may not check from home. Today – I didn’t – as it was asking me to change my password which I have to do from work.

If I had known about all this earlier – I could have planned my day a hell of a lot differently. It is now 3:36 am and I am having a hard time. I want to go to bed. Coffee doesn’t keep me awake, I just like drinking coffee.

My last couple of week’s have had enough stress (some has been mentioned – other parts not) – this is not helping me at all.

I do not even know if it is just for tonight or Tuesday too. If it is not – basically I would go home – go to sleep – get up to go to work – nothing else. And people wonder why I am a fucking bitch at times.

Anyway – I see there is work to do.

Laters,

Dot.



1 cup of coffee is not doing it for me. I was staying up and checking on Old Man most of the night. His breathing is shallower today.

I did pick up Sir last night so that He could see Old Man and give him some loving. Bandy really loved that… head bunting and loving Sir’s feet like he always does.

3 days of work… and then Saturday – Play party – escape from here… this is what I need.

Oh and the fact I got a new toy.. and new toys on the way.

I suppose I should get ready and get out the door for work.



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