However the little bits… become big bits… and just me rambling more than usual.
Today, i am a little better than i have been as of late. Sir and i had some one on one conversation before we went to sleep the other night.
i am in a funk that is hard to get out of. I have been resenting youth … missing a younger me you could say. i have been overwhelmed with home, work, travelling to the City, and other activities/groups i am part of.
There are many things i don’t wish to write because i don’t want others thinking it is directed at them when in fact it is not. There is no wanting of pity, or telling me it will get better, or if there is anything i can do to help i would… those make me invert inwards even more. At times i need to feel like crap – allow me to be me without trying to make all of it better.Words won’t make it better…this i know. This is where i just need to be held – nothing more.
It has been a hectic few weeks for both of us.
It is a never-ending day after day after day. The juggling that i have been trying to do is slowly unravelling. Sir’s issues at work – bleed into my day…my work is becoming boring as fuck – which lends itself to be easily distracted causing errors. Please note, i rarely make errors. Though when other people error’s are pointed out it goes by like it never happened until it happens again. Then it becomes a vicious cycle. Also training someone, phone ringing – to fix said errors or figure out what the fuck happened – distracts me from what i was currently doing. Things that should take me 20 minutes to finish are taking an hour. That is the little bit going on at work.i am expected to be perfection at work.
Sir’s work – they are so fucked up, and it is like i am watching a train wreck about to happen. You can tell they never owned a business before and believe if this is what I want – then I will have – and in reality – ummm NO – there are Labour Laws… oh oh… and HUMAN RIGHT Laws. For a Christian man – he is not very Christian like. He idolizes himself and expects everyone that works for him to do so too. It seems someone forgot the First Commandment.
This past weekend was the MAsT meeting that we helped with – “ So you think you want a Power Exchange relationship?”. It was a small group however there were some good questions and exchanges of ideas that came from it. My pet peeve is that since Sir’s work was causing Him to be stressed/anxious the last couple of months, it has put the bulk of the stuff on my shoulders when it came to this. i understood He was distracted however that didn’t change the way i felt.
Today – Sir was late for work – because of me… so that hasn’t boosted my mood at all. His “boss” can’t schedule or make a schedule without fucking it up several times… which in turn He gets a new one – which i put in our calendar. Three schedules later (and it was still wrong on her end) – He ended up late by 15 minutes… apparently this became the end of the world there. Any other time in the last 2 years – He has been late maybe twice… and by 2-3 minutes – with a message from Him stating He was on His way. So yeah – didn’t help me today at all – on top of a lovely package of a couple of errors of mine at work. Thankfully my Boss is more understanding and i am harder on myself than he is.
Sometimes – i just wish we could stay home on the weekend – and people come to us – not us always going to them. i am tired of driving – really tired. The travelling is making me too tired to enjoy my time with everyone. i want to see everyone – though when it comes to the weekend and getting packed, i actually cringe – and my memory is not as good as it should to be. i have been forgetting 1-2 things each way to the City. My head is too full of shit and can’t keep track as easily as before.
i want to go out with everyone to our events, however i don’t feel good about my self. Loving me isn’t something i have been able to do the last couple of months. i despise finding clothes to wear, do something with this mop (cause i have absolutely no idea how to curl or make it look done up) and put on make-up (cause that is the only time i do – and it is something Sir wants). Nothing looks good or right on me…and it doesn’t matter what another person says – i am the one not feeling good. It is hard to get past that in your head. i am always surrounded by younger people – though many do not believe i am the age i am – i am not comfortable with myself and i think it shows a lot of the time.
Sir tells me He fell in Love with the older dot and is glad that we didn’t get together when i was younger…He would not have been attracted to me as He is now. In my younger years i was much “freer” with my Love you could say. The fact that i decided to put the poly on the shelf to be with just Him showed my maturity you could say. He is my chaos to my structure…somehow we mesh…though i do get headaches trying to be less so and go with the flow. He loves me for me… and yes the sex is great – however that isn’t what keeps us together. We invested time/energy into each other and He wasn’t going anywhere.
For some reason i needed to hear that. i have been feeling insecure, dated, and not of use because i have my age stuck in my head…i am not the nimble girl i used to be. And at times, i feel inadequate…though nothing Sir has intentional done. My brain doesn’t shut up…at times it yells louder when i am trying to calm it down.
Anyway – this is a drawn out post – there is much more in my head – except this post has been sitting in draft for awhile, revised a few times – so it is time to just put it out there… plus my work is piling up on my desk.
Hopefully the trip into the City this weekend will be a good one.
Good night A/all.